Gotham Wars
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: In honor of Star Wars Day - May the 4th be with you! :-) A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…The Justice Empire has mandated themselves rulers of the galaxy, and have attempted to unite the universe under their own brand of galactic peace and order. The universe's only hope for liberty lies in an unlikely group of rogues to unite and restore freedom to the galaxy…
1. Chapter 1

**Gotham Wars**

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away…

It is a period of civil war. The so-called Justice Empire has mandated themselves rulers of the galaxy, and have attempted to unite the squabbling worlds under their own brand of galactic peace. Any insurgents and rebellions are crushed in the name of maintaining complete order in the universe.

In charge of this mission of hunting down the rebels is Darth Batman, whose base on the armored space station known as the BAT STAR makes him invulnerable to attack as he carries out the necessary business of the Empire.

Only a few worlds remain free of the suffocating grip of the Empire, and the few freedom fighters left, known as the Jedi Knights, have hidden themselves away until a hero can arise to unite them and restore freedom to the galaxy…

...

"What do I look like?" demanded the man known as the Joker. "Some kinda clown?"

He was sitting in a bar called the Arkham Cantina, on a remote backwater desert planet called Tatooine, glaring at the bar's owner, a dark-skinned woman named Joan Leland.

"Please, J – the band has canceled, and I need some kinda entertainment here or the patrons are gonna riot!" she hissed, gesturing out at the crowded bar.

"I'm here on business, toots!" snapped Joker. "Secretive, delicate business that's gonna be completely screwed up if my target sees me. And you want me to go up on that stage and start doing a comedy routine?! That's gonna draw a helluva lotta attention to myself!"

"But you're a funny guy!" pleaded Leland. "I need you to do some jokes - distract the crowd and loosen them up! I'll keep an eye out for your target, and if I see him coming, I'll give you a signal and you beat it, how about that?"

Joker glared at her, but sighed. "All right. But my routine's really too good for this buncha gloomy sad sacks…" he muttered, heading up on stage and grabbing a microphone.

"Hiya, folks! How are we all doing today?" he said, beaming.

"Where are Figrin D'an and the Modal Nodes?" shouted a patron.

"Figrin's got food poisoning – ate a bad nausage," retorted Joker. "I hear he's vomiting up his guts like the Sarlaac vomited up Boba Fett!"

He laughed, but nobody in the audience did. "Oh, c'mon, that's a funny joke!" he snapped. Leland gestured to him to keep going, and he forced a smile back on his face. "So I'm the Joker – some of you might have heard of me. Y'know, the notorious bounty hunter, and also the funniest, craziest guy in the galaxy! My comedy routine is talked about far and wide, through all corners of the Empire. At least it would be, if anyone in the Empire had a sense of humor. So people sometimes ask me, Joker, what made you go crazy? And I tell 'em, after I found out Darth Vader was my father, wouldn't you have gone crazy too? It's the only sane response!"

He was clearly expecting a laugh, and there was silence again. "Who's Darth Vader?" called one.

"Oh, don't play dumb with me, Skywalker!" snapped Joker. "Just go back to your hovel, farmboy! This ain't the Luke Skywalker show! That guy, I'm telling ya," he sighed, as the patron stormed out. "No sense of humor. Still, there's something really familiar about him…"

"Get off the stage!" shouted another patron.

"Wow, tough crowd tonight, huh?" asked Joker, looking at Leland, who gestured more urgently. "All right, I'll bring out the choice material! So who knows what the Super-Emperor said to Darth Batman after the destruction of Alderaan? Anyone? He said, 'I'm blown away!'"

Joker laughed hysterically, but the stony, cold silence of the audience remained. "What, too soon?" he demanded.

"Yes!" shouted a patron. "It happened three days ago!"

"My mother lived on Alderaan!" shouted another. There was booing, and then stuff started being thrown at Joker, with shouts of "You're not funny! Get lost!"

Joker sighed, and then raised his blaster. "No, Joker, don't…" began Leland, but he had already fired several shots out into the crowd. There was screaming and trampling, and then the patrons fled the bar, leaving Joker alone with Leland.

"Buncha humorless chumps," muttered Joker, kicking at a body as he headed back over to the bar.

"J, I've told you, no more violence in my place!" snapped Leland. "It's getting harder and harder to dispose of the bodies! I can't sneak them all into the food, y'know!"

"Might give it some flavor," retorted Joker. "Just gimme a drink, will ya? I need it after that."

Leland obeyed as Joker sighed again. "What's happened to this galaxy, toots?" he asked. "It's like the whole universe suddenly lost its sense of humor."

"Not much to laugh about these days, what with the Empire squeezing the joy outta everything in the name of order," replied Leland.

"Yeah. Buncha humorless fascists," muttered Joker, sipping from his drink. "Still, whaddya gonna do?" he said, shrugging. "Empires rise and fall, and the galaxy keeps turning. If it's not one nutjob in power, it's another. All we can do is smile and laugh and make the best of it."

"Maybe," agreed Leland, wiping down the bar. "But it's getting harder and harder to make a decent living in this universe. Something's gotta give, and somebody's gotta fight back."

"Thought that's what those loser Jedi Knight nerds were for," retorted Joker.

"You know they're mostly dead, right?" asked Leland. "Darth Batman's slaughtered as many as he could. Only a couple of them remain, and they've hidden themselves away. They don't have the strength or the numbers to fight the Empire, at least not without help."

Joker snorted. "Well, nobody's gonna be crazy enough to help 'em, toots. You'd have to be completely insane to go up against the Justice Empire and that psycho Darth Batman. I'm crazy, but I ain't that crazy."

"Then I guess we'd better get used to living in a humorless galaxy," sighed Leland. "It'll be a sad day when Tatooine falls under control of the Empire."

"Well, Penguin the Hutt is a pretty good businessman," said Joker, shrugging. "He'll keep 'em outta his territory longer than most. And speaking of Penguin…" he said, looking around and lowering his voice as a hooded, robed figure walked into the bar.

"Didn't he post a bounty on your head?" asked Leland. "For killing one of his employees who said you weren't funny?"

"Yeah, which is why I need to get this bounty to him, to get back in his good books," retorted Joker, downing the drink. "I'll try to keep the violence to a minimum – Pengers said he wanted him dead or alive, and I'll try to make it the latter, for your sake, toots," he said, winking at her.

"Somehow, I don't trust you," muttered Leland, as Joker headed over to the booth where the figure had taken a seat.

"Eddie Nygma. How ya doing, buddy?" he asked, smiling at him.

The figure stared at him in horror. "J…Joker," he stammered. "What are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you," said Joker, grinning. "I hear Penguin's put a price on your head, Eddie. A really substantial price too. He must be crazy to wanna pay that much for your sorry hide, but my job ain't to question why he does stuff. My job is to turn you in to him and get my money."

"But…but Joker, you don't understand," stammered Nygma. "I'm meeting some very important people here, people who are the only hope for this galaxy's survival…"

"Yeah, that's a likely story, Eddie," interrupted Joker, nodding. "You don't really expect me to believe it, though, do ya? I ain't stupid."

"We'll see how stupid you are," muttered Nygma, waving his hand in front of his face. "I'm not the bounty you're looking for."

"Yeah, you are," retorted Joker. "What, you think you're some kinda Jedi with the hand trick or something?"

Nygma sighed, and then pulled aside his robe to reveal a lightsaber. "I _am_ a Jedi!" he hissed.

"Uh huh, and I bet that's your shiny laser sword, huh?" asked Joker, sarcastically. "C'mon, Eddie, don't make me laugh. I know the Jedi are a bunch of nerds, but you're too nerdy even for them. Plus I doubt you know how to use a laser sword."

"I do so!" snapped Nygma, his hand flying to his belt. And that was when Joker shot a blaster bolt in his chest, killing him instantly.

"Sorry, Eddie, I got an itchy trigger finger when people reach for weapons," said Joker. "Well, he didn't have the reflexes of a Jedi, that's for sure. And he didn't see that blaster bolt coming, the way a Jedi should have. Either he was lying, or he was a really crap Jedi."

He took the lightsaber hanging from Nygma's belt, and pressed the button activating it, revealing the green blade. "Still, that's a real laser sword," he said, waving it around. "Maybe he was telling the truth. Which means I killed a Jedi!" he chuckled. "How's that for awesome, toots?" he asked, turning to Leland.

"Congrats. But you're getting rid of the body," she retorted. "And the lightsaber. You can't sell those things these days – too many questions."

"Yeah, maybe Nygma being a Jedi explains why the price on his head was so high," said Joker, nodding. "Pengers wants to appease the Bat for as long as possible so he'll leave him alone, and sending him Jedi corpses is sure to do just that. Anyway, I'll need the body to collect my reward, so don't worry about that," he said, hefting up the corpse and throwing it over his shoulder. "And the lightsaber can be a nice souvenir for me, and a good story to tell about that time I killed a Jedi. Course I'll say he put up more of a fight for dramatic tension. I'll maybe even lie and say he shot first!" he chuckled.

"You do that," said Leland, nodding.

"Well, see ya around, toots," said Joker, heading for the door with Nygma's body over his shoulder.

"Maybe you will, if Penguin doesn't just kill you instead of paying you for him," retorted Leland, dryly.

"Well, he can try, but he'd better beware of me – I killed a Jedi, y'know!" chuckled Joker. "Quite a joke, toots! Quite a joke!"


	2. Chapter 2

"Joker! We didn't think we'd be seeing your face here, or anywhere else again!" said Penguin the Hutt's head of security, Butch Gilzean, as Joker approached the gates of Penguin's palace.

"Got a present for the fat slug," said Joker, nodding at the body slung over his shoulder. "And of course I mean fat slug in its nicest, most complimentary sense."

The head of security chuckled. "You always make me laugh, J, so I'll do you a good turn. Boys, keep watch – I want a word in private with the Joker," he said, nodding at his fellow guards as he and Joker headed around the side of the building.

"You're gonna let me in to see him, right, Butch?" asked Joker. "I don't wanna have to drag this body around the desert some more – it's rotting pretty quick in the sun."

Butch shrugged. "It's your neck. But his mood toward you hasn't softened, in case you were wondering."

"You let me do the sweet talking, Butch," replied Joker. "They don't call me Joker the Charmer for nothing!"

"Nobody calls you that, do they?" asked Butch.

"In my head they do," replied Joker. "It's pretty great, living in my head. You should try it sometime!" he chuckled.

"I wouldn't dare," replied Butch, dryly. He studied him. "You're…just here to collect the bounty on Nygma, huh?"

"Well, and to hope that that smooths things over with Penguin!" chuckled Joker.

"And that's all?" asked Butch.

"Yeah. Why, doncha trust me? What else would I be here for?"

Butch shrugged. "I dunno. But I can't be too careful after that bounty went out on the Princess."

"Princess? What Princess?" asked Joker.

"Ain't you heard?" he asked. "Are you kidding me? You must have!"

Joker shook his head. "Well, I guess it only went out over the Empire's communication channels, and I'm not sure how in tune with those you are," said Butch, shrugging. "They're tough to crack. Penguin keeps 'em all monitored, though. And I would have thought the rumors would spread, but maybe the Empire are better at clamping down on security breaches than I thought. Anyway, there's this Twi'lek Princess who was kidnapped from her homeworld and brainwashed so she don't remember who she is. But her royal parents are offering a huge reward, enough to buy your own planet, for her safe return."

He coughed. "And this certain Twi'lek Princess…may or may not have been bought by Penguin for his harem of dancing girls. So he's beefing up security in case anybody finds out, and wants to steal her back."

Joker made a face. "I don't tend to deal with live merchandise anyway, even for that kinda money. You know that, Butch. Keeping people alive is too much trouble, and no fun."

"That's what I figured," said Butch, nodding. "But I wanted to be sure. Stealing a girl right out from under Penguin's nose would be a pretty good joke, and you're a fairly unpredictable guy. But you're right – it ain't your style."

They headed back around to the front gate, and Butch entered a code, opening the door. "Go on in, and good luck," he said. "Hope Penguin doesn't feed you to his pet or anything."

"Thanks, Butch, you're a pal," said Joker, heading into the darkness dragging Nygma's body after him. The gate lowered shut behind him with a clang, and Joker made his way down the dark corridor until he came to Penguin the Hutt's throne room.

It was an opulent, decadent chamber, huge and shady and airy, which was a comfort after the burning desert sun outside the palace. The worst kinds of people lounged everywhere – thieves, smugglers, bounty hunters – contrary to popular belief about Mos Eisley, it was here that you would never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. And seated on a huge couch, enveloped by his massive bulk, was Penguin the Hutt himself, the undisputed crime-lord of Tatooine.

He was huge and sluggish, a creature of gluttonous appetite and insatiable greed who stuffed squirming, wriggling fish-like creatures into his gaping mouth with flipper-like hands. His greedy eyes gleamed out from the folds of his fat, currently focused on the group of scantily-clad dancing girls performing in the center of the room, collars around their necks attached to thin chains which he held tightly in his other flipper hand.

He didn't notice Joker's arrival until Joker hoisted Nygma's body over his shoulder again and then tried to surreptitiously slip through the dancing girls to get over to Penguin, which was, in hindsight, probably the least surreptitious thing he could do. "Scuse me, pardon me," he said, as one after another accidentally knocked against him, glaring at him. "Sorry, my fault, coming through. Scuse me…"

He knocked against one of the dancing girls, who then tripped over her chain and stumbled backward with a shriek. Joker caught her before she hit the ground. "Sorry, toots, you ok…" he began, but trailed off, staring at her open-mouthed.

She was a beautiful Twi'lek girl, small and slim, with two head tails dangling from her scalp, like all of her species, decorated with red and black diamonds. Her skin was a very pale white, and her eyes wide and blue, gazing up at him in wonder. "I'm…I'm fine," she stammered. "Thank…"

But she choked suddenly as Penguin violently yanked on the chain around her neck, forcing her onto her knees. "You stupid, clumsy girl!" he squawked. "That's the third time you've tripped over this chain! I'd advise getting used to them, since they'll be around your neck forever!"

The girl struggled to breathe, tears in her eyes as she gasped to apologize, and Joker strode forward. "Hey, it was my fault she tripped!" he snapped. "Lay off!"

"You're already in enough trouble with me, so stay out of this!" snapped Penguin. "It's a personal matter!"

He yanked the chain again, and the girl sobbed in pain, and that was when Joker grabbed the chain and ripped it from Penguin's hand. "You pick on someone your own size," he growled. "Though I admit it might be hard for you to find someone else your size."

"Do you have a death wish?" demanded Penguin. "First coming back here when you know there's a bounty on your head, and now defying me in my treatment of my slaves?! They're my property! I paid good money for them, and I will do what I like with them!"

"You wanna make this into a big deal, fine," snapped Joker. "I came here to talk a little business, but if you want me to start shooting before the business has even begun, that's your problem."

Penguin squawked with laughter. "What makes you think everyone in this room won't fire at you if you start shooting?"

"They probably would," agreed Joker. "But I only need to get one shot off for your life to be over," he murmured, aiming at Penguin. "And I'm well known to be the fastest draw in the galaxy. You feel lucky, Pengers? Well, do ya?"

The atmosphere in the room was palpably tense. And then Penguin erupted into squawks of laughter. "Ah, Joker, old friend, you always did like to cause a scene!" he chuckled. "Come, come, let's put the guns away and see what prize you've brought me!"

The slave girl had been staring at Joker in amazement, and now grabbed her chain and hurried from the floor with the rest of dancing girls. They gathered in the corners of the room to stare at the action, the girl keeping her wide, blue eyes fixed on Joker.

"He's a bit sticky from being out in the sun so long," said Joker, dropping the body at Penguin's feet. "But that's Eddie Nygma."

"So it is," agreed Penguin, as one of his lackeys lit a cigar for him. "Dead, I see."

"You said dead or alive," protested Joker.

"I did, but I was hoping to send Darth Batman a nice, living Jedi for him to torture to find the location of his comrades," said Penguin. "But the body will suffice. The agreed price was 25,000, was it not?"

"I think it was actually 50,000," said Joker.

"Are you accusing me of dishonesty?" asked Penguin.

"You bet I am," retorted Joker. "And I ain't leaving without 50,000 credits in my bank account."

Penguin smiled through the wreath of smoke. "Yes, you are," he murmured.

His flipper slammed on a button, which activated the trapdoor under Joker's feet. Joker plummeted down into a cave-like chamber, hitting the water below with a splash. "Ew," he muttered, struggling to his feet and wiping the mud from his clothes. "Dry cleaning this is gonna set me back…"

He suddenly heard a roar from the darkness of the cave. "That don't sound good," he muttered, unholstering his blaster.

A huge, hulking, reptilian creature emerged from the darkness into the light from the grating above. He looked like some sort of crocodile humanoid. And he looked very, very hungry.

Joker immediately began firing at him, but the creature's hide was thick and the blaster bolts just glanced off him. He rushed Joker with a roar, leaping on him with hungry jaws snapping. Joker jammed his blaster into between the creature's jaw, holding it open, and then wriggled out from beneath it as it roared in pain. "Ok, what else we got?" he muttered, going through his arsenal of weapons in his head. "Rocket launcher, but that might bring the whole cave down on top of me. Need a lotta firepower without a lotta explosion, which is no gun I got. Unless…"

He felt the lightsaber at his belt just as the creature snapped the blaster in half and rushed him again. Joker activated the lightsaber, swinging a blow at the creature's head, separating it instantly from his shoulders. It fell down dead.

Joker let out a sigh of relief, smiling up at the look of fury on Penguin's face. "You won't get outta paying me that easy!" he chuckled.

"Get him out of there and lock him up!" squawked Penguin. "In the deepest, darkest cell we've got! I don't want him ever seeing the light of day again after killing my pet Killer Croc!"

Joker considered as the guards approached him – he was a good fighter, but not even he could take out an entire palace full of hired guns and hardened thugs. Especially not after his primary weapon had been snapped by Killer Croc. He could go down fighting, but then he'd just be dead, and where was the fun in that? Even when a man was locked up, as long as he was alive, he had a chance.

So he let the guards strip him of his weapons and drag him from the cave. He glanced up once more to see a familiar, pretty face staring down at him through the grate – the face of the Twi'lek slave girl, who kept her eyes on him until he was lost to sight.


	3. Chapter 3

"Well, the excitement never ends in Penguin's Palace!" laughed one of the slave girls later that night, as they all gathered in their shared dormitory. She brushed her long red hair, glancing in the mirror at her green-skinned, voluptuous figure and attractive face. "That dumb clown!"

"Yeah, he's going in the Sarlaac for sure," agreed another slave girl, a humanoid cat woman. "Can't say I blame the boss. You can't let a guy just come into your home and threaten you like that. It's bad manners. And it shows a lack of respect. A guy in his position has gotta be respected – that idiot clown should have known not to mess with him."

"I think…he was just trying to protect me," murmured the Twi'lek slave girl from earlier. "He's not gonna be hurt for that, is he?"

Both the green-skinned girl and the cat woman laughed. "Harley, we've told you a thousand times, you gotta get used to the violence around here," said the green-skinned girl. "Life is cheap, and death is a regular visitor. Whether it's that upstart clown today, or some thug shooting another over a gambling debt or something, murder and mayhem are a way of life. I get that maybe you're not used to that, but you need to get used to it, quick."

"You also need to get more graceful," added the cat woman. "If the boss loses his temper at you dancing again, there'll be no clown in shining armor to save you. You'll be fed to whatever he gets to replace Killer Croc without a moment's notice."

"I'm sorry," murmured Harley. "I try my best."

"Try harder," retorted the cat woman.

"Oh, Selina, don't be too hard on her," said the green-skinned woman, gently, noticing the tears in Harley's eyes. "She's still new. You don't want to scare her to death."

"Yes, I do," retorted Selina. "Fear gives you the edge here. It's the only way you'll survive."

She began brushing her fur. "Anyway, you should be grateful you've just been made to dance so far. Ivy and I were both given clients on our first day."

"And since then, we've been servicing every piece of scum in the galaxy," sighed Ivy. "Most of the humanoid species are pretty straightforward in terms of pleasure, but sometimes you get those really bizarre creatures, and you never can tell whether you're doing a good job or not. Or if you're even touching an erogenous zone…"

"I…I don't think I could…do anything like that with someone I didn't know," stammered Harley.

"C'mon, Harley, I know you don't remember much before you came here, but you shouldn't pretend like you've never done it before," said Ivy, rolling her eyes.

"The rumor is she hasn't," retorted Selina. "Boss paid virgin price for her. I'm betting he's saving her for someone very special to break her. Maybe even himself."

Harley's eyes widened in terror. "No, Selina!" she gasped. "No, I couldn't…not with that…that thing!"

"Don't be so high-and-mighty," snapped Selina, glaring at her. "You think you're some kinda princess or what? This is how things work from now on, Harley – you dance when Penguin says you dance, you do whatever he wants to do, and you obey every command he gives you, whether you like it or not. That's your life, from now until the day you die. So you'd better start getting used to it, your highness," she said, sarcastically.

Nobody said anything else for a moment as the tears trailed down Harley's cheeks. "Maybe," she said, hopefully. "Maybe…he can save us."

"Who?" asked Ivy.

"The man from today," said Harley. "The clown."

Selina snorted. "What, you think he's some kinda hero? He brought a body in for a bounty, Harley. He's not a nice guy."

"He protected me today," said Harley. "He didn't have to do that."

"He was trying to show off how tough he was to the boss," retorted Selina. "Which he did, until he accused him of trying to cheat him, of course. That was just dumb."

"I think he was very brave," murmured Harley.

"Brave, stupid, same difference," said Selina, shrugging. "Anyway, he's locked up in the dungeons now, so I don't see how he can help us when he can't even help himself. You should stop hoping to be rescued, Harley. Hope's one of the first things that dies here."

Tears rose to Harley's eyes again, and she rushed from the room without another word. "That was a little harsh, don't you think, Selina?" asked Ivy.

"Tough love," retorted Selina, continuing to brush her fur. "She'd better get used to that too. Whoever she really is, and wherever she's really from, she's not gonna be pampered here. It's a tough galaxy - the strong survive, and the weak die out. I'm just trying to help her survive. That's all any of us can do."

"Yeah, it's a wonderful life, all right," sighed Ivy, sarcastically.

…

The Joker sat in his cell, writing a shopping list for whenever he got out of here. "Tosche station - power converters," he read aloud, when he heard a cough from the bars.

He turned to see the pretty Twi'lek from earlier staring at him. "Hi," she whispered.

"Hi," he said, smiling at her. "What are you doing here?"

"I wanted to see you," she whispered, looking around. "To…to thank you for what you did today."

"Aw, skip it," he said, waving his hand. "It was nothing."

"It was nothing that anyone here would have done," she murmured. "My name's Harley Quinn, by the way. Pleased to meetcha."

"The Joker," he said, nodding at her. "Likewise."

She looked around again as if she wanted to leave. But she didn't. "Um…do you have any plans for getting out of here?" she asked.

"Sure, tons," he said, shrugging. "Unfortunately I haven't come up with a feasible one yet, but I got plenty of time to think one up, don't I?" he chuckled.

She smiled. "Are you always this cheerful?" she asked. "Even when things look bad?"

"That's the time when being cheerful is most important," retorted Joker. "A positive attitude is easy when things are going your way. The challenge is in keeping one when things ain't. And I can't resist a challenge, toots."

"Really?" she asked, hopefully. "So…if I gave you a challenge, you'd wanna complete it?"

"Depends what kinda challenge you have in mind, toots," he replied.

She bit her lip. "I…I wanna escape from here."

"That makes two of us!" chuckled Joker.

"They don't keep us chained up or locked up in here because they know there's nowhere we can go," she continued. "And they're right – if any of us tried running, there's a twenty mile desert in all directions. We'd die in no time out there on our own. But…if we had…a protector…someone strong and brave and capable…"

"You talking about me?" he asked. "Because I wouldn't call any guy who's locked up in a dungeon capable!"

"Well, you're…strong and brave," she murmured. "And you were capable of killing Killer Croc. And…protecting me earlier."

"Look, kid, you got the wrong guy," he said. "I ain't any kinda hero, ok? I'm a bad guy who's done a lotta bad things, and who's gonna continue to do a lotta bad things. If you're looking for some kinda knight in shining armor, that ain't me."

She nodded sadly. "Ok," she murmured. "I'll just go."

"Hey, hey, no, wait," he said. "Wait. Maybe you can help me. You said you don't get locked up?"

She nodded. "Then maybe you can find where they took my weapons," he continued. "And when I bust outta here with 'em, I'll take you with me."

"Really?" asked Harley, hopefully.

"Sure," he said, shrugging. "One good turn deserves another. And you might be able to do me another good turn, being a Twi'lek slave girl and all."

"What's that supposed to mean?" she demanded. "What, you think just because I'm forced to wear this crap that I'm easy?!"

"No, I didn't mean anything funny like that!" he protested. "Only I heard recently about a kidnapped Twi'lek Princess who was brainwashed and sold as a slave girl to Penguin. Her parents are offering a fortune for her safe return. You wouldn't happen to not remember who you were before you came here, would you?"

"I…actually don't remember anything before a few weeks ago," said Harley, slowly. "I just remember waking up here surrounded by the other slaves. You're saying I'm a Princess?"

"That's what I heard," said Joker, shrugging. "So it's in the best interests of my bank account to help you out and keep you safe, so I can get my hands on that reward money. And I'm a man of business, toots. Business and fun, of course, which usually happily coincide for me."

Harley nodded. "Ok. I'll find your weapons and then come back."

"Be sure to get that laser sword," said Joker. "It came in handy in a tight spot before, and there's no reason why it wouldn't again. I can probably use it to burn through these bars."

"Where did you get something like that?" she asked.

"I killed a Jedi," said Joker, smugly.

Harley stared at him, looking even more impressed than ever. "Really?" she asked. "But that's almost impossible to do unless you're a Jedi too!"

"Nah, I'm just really good," replied Joker, feigning modesty. "What can I say?"

Harley beamed. "I knew it! I told Red and Selina you were just the guy to rescue us!"

"Us?" repeated Joker. "Now wait a minute, toots, this ain't a mass breakout…"

But Harley had already raced off to find his weapons. "At least I hope it ain't," he muttered, sitting back down. "Or this is gonna be a lot harder than I thought."


	4. Chapter 4

Harley returned a few hour later carrying a bunch of weapons in her arms. "I stole them from right under the nose of a Gamorrean guard," she whispered. "They ain't very good at their job."

"That's great, your highness," he said, as she passed them through the bars to him.

"That's weird to hear in a non-sarcastic way, huh?" she asked, beaming. "Well, I guess it wouldn't be weird if I could remember my past, since I'd probably be pretty used to being called your highness, but it's weird to think about right now…"

"I mean this in the most respectful way possible, your highness, but put a sock in it, will ya?" asked Joker, as he activated the lightsaber. "Don't want this escape blown before it's even begun."

"Sorry," whispered Harley, as Joker sawed through the bars with the blade. He climbed out of the cell, looking around carefully.

"All right, follow me, and stay quiet," he whispered. "I don't want the whole palace on our tails."

"We need to go this way," whispered Harley, pointing in the opposite direction. "So we can pick up Red and Selina."

"Yeah…about that, toots…" said Joker, slowly. "The more of us there are, the more our chances of getting caught are increased…"

"But…we can't just leave them here!" exclaimed Harley. "They're my friends! I can't just abandon them in their hour of need!"

"Well, friends are a pain in the ass, toots, and the sooner you dump 'em all, the better," retorted Joker, taking her hand and trying to pull her away, but she stood her ground.

"We're gonna rescue them too," she repeated, firmly, her eyes narrowing. "Or I'm gonna scream."

"You crazy or what?!" he demanded. "You'd blow your only chance at getting outta here?!"

"Yep," she retorted. "Nobody deserves to be stuck in their horrible life. So I'm sorry – if you wanna get outta here, you're gonna have to be a little heroic."

Joker growled. "You're already more trouble than you're worth, your highness," he muttered, as he followed Harley to the slave dormitories.

"Red, Selina, wake up!" hissed Harley, shaking them. "We're getting outta here!"

"Mmm...Harley, go back to sleep," muttered Ivy, pulling a pillow over her head. "You had a dream, is all."

"It ain't a dream, Red!" said Harley. "He's gonna save us all!"

"Who?" demanded Selina, sitting up and rubbing her eyes. She saw Joker and glared at him. "I'm not going anywhere with that clown!"

"There, y'see? They don't wanna be rescued," said Joker, trying to pull Harley away. "So let's just go…"

"Hang on – I'm not letting you take Harley anywhere!" snapped Ivy. "At least not without us around to protect her! I'm not sure what your intentions toward her are, but I certainly don't trust them."

"See? They do wanna be rescued!" retorted Harley.

"You actually trust this maniac to be able to bust outta here?" demanded Selina. "He'll only end up getting himself caught again, and we'll be punished along with him!"

"Look, if we could all just be a little more optimistic, I'm sure everything will work out fine," said Harley. "A positive attitude can change everything…"

At that moment, one of the Penguin's guards passed the dormitory and saw the Joker inside. "Escaped prisoner alert!" he shouted, rushing down the hall to grab his comrades.

"All right, screw the positive attitude!" shouted Joker, unholstering his rocket launcher. "You all do what you wanna, but I'm getting outta here now!"

He shot a rocket at the wall, blasting a hole in it. As dust and dirt rained down, Joker grabbed Harley's arm and dragged her out of the hole into the cold, night air of the desert.

He heard shouting and firing after them, abruptly cut off, as Selina and Ivy started fighting back, knocking the weapons from the guards' hands and grabbing them as they raced after Joker and Harley.

"All right, now what?" shouted Selina, as they continued to fire back at the guards. "The whole palace is gonna be alerted and we've only got miles of desert around us…"

She was cut off with a roar as a ship suddenly blasted through the atmosphere, landing on the desert sand in front of them. Joker held up his arm. "Wrist communicator, sweetheart," he retorted. "The ship does what I tell it. May I present the Clown Prince of Crime!"

"It's a piece of junk," snapped Ivy, glaring at the purple ship decorated with a big smile. "It'll barely get us outta the atmosphere!"

"It's the ship that made the Kessel run in less than twelve parsecs!" snapped Joker.

"What does that even mean?" asked Selina. "Isn't a parsec a unit of distance, not time?"

"I dunno, but it sounds impressive," retorted Joker. "And it was my ship that did that, not the Millennium Falcon, like that liar Solo would have you believe. Now instead of criticizing my ship, ladies, get in it!" he snapped, shoving them forward onto the gangplank as he took over firing at the guards. He kept firing until the gangplank raised itself up, and then raced into the cockpit, punching in some controls.

"All right, hang on, ladies!" he shouted, as the ship lifted up and blasted into the sky. "The moment we clear the planet's atmosphere, we're making the jump to hyperspace, so strap yourselves in!"

"See, Red?" said Harley, beaming as they all buckled in. "I told you he'd rescue us!"

"We're not outta danger yet," muttered Selina. "Penguin's gonna send every piece of scum in the galaxy after us unless we high-tail it fast to the other end of it."

"No problemo, cat lady!" chuckled Joker. "Making the jump to light speed now!"

He pulled a lever. The ship's engines protested, and they remained where they were.

"Let me guess – no light speed," said Ivy, dryly.

Joker sighed heavily. "Knew I shoulda gone into Tosche Station to pick up some power converters," he muttered.

"Now what do we do?" demanded Selina.

"We have to land back on Tatooine, get into Mos Eisley to pick up some power converters for the hyperdrive, and get the hell outta there without being noticed," said Joker. "Not too hard, huh?"

"It will be, since Tatooine is swarming with Penguin's guys!" snapped Ivy. "The moment they see you or us, we're dead!"

"Relax – a pal of mine owns a little bar in Mos Eisley," said Joker, as the ship descended back toward the planet's surface. "She'll let us hole up there discreetly and help us find the equipment we need. Two to three hours from now, we'll be on our way again, no problemo."

Selina and Ivy shared a look. "Shoulda stayed in Penguin's Palace," they both muttered.


	5. Chapter 5

"See, this is why I don't work with women," muttered Joker. "We're on the run from Penguin, our lives hang in the balance, and you wanna do some clothes shopping!"

"You'd wanna too if you were stuck wearing a metal bikini or a catsuit made outta netting," retorted Selina, emerging from behind the curtain in a black leather catsuit.

"Yeah, you're right, toots – leather is so much more comfortable, and less revealing," said Joker, rolling his eyes.

"It's my choice, and that's what matters," retorted Selina. "What I want to wear, rather than what some man wants me to wear."

"Great. I'm stuck hanging out with a buncha space feminists," muttered Joker. "I liked it better in the movie when there was only one female in the entire galaxy…"

"Stop whining," retorted Ivy, who emerged dressed in a green leotard and tights. "We'll be off to find the parts for your ship soon. How's it coming, Harley?"

"Fine, I think, Red," said Harley, emerging dressed in red and black pants and a crop top. "This is a lot more comfortable than that slave outfit, and I think it looks great."

"Yeah, it looks…you look…" stammered Joker, staring at her. "Nice," he finished quickly. "Really nice. Now let's beat it, huh? We got important stuff to shop for."

"That'll be 200 credits, sir," said the shop assistant.

"For clothes?!" shouted Joker.

"Just pay the man, and we'll pay you back later," said Selina, sauntering from the shop.

"You're slaves! You don't have any money!" snapped Joker.

"I do," said Harley. "Not on me, of course, but…I'll pay for it all once I get back home, how about that?"

Joker sighed. "Fine," he muttered, shoving a wad of cash into the assistant's hand. "But we're gonna have to find some pretty cheap power converters. Fortunately my pal gives me a discount…"

"J, you survived!" exclaimed Leland as he entered the Arkham Cantina.

"You sound surprised!" he chuckled. "Of course I survived! I always do!"

"He's like a cockroach," said Selina, dryly.

"And did you get the bounty for Nygma?" Leland asked.

"Got something better," retorted Joker, nodding at the women who accompanied him. "One of these is a Princess who's got a huge reward for her safe return. Won't tell you which one, though, so you don't try to kidnap her!" he chuckled.

"What, like you did?" asked Leland.

"Hey, there was no kidnapping involved, all right?" snapped Joker. "She came with me voluntarily!"

"We all did, which we're now considering to be a pretty big mistake," agreed Ivy.

"Need some power converters for the hyperdrive, Leland, or we're grounded here on Tatooine for the foreseeable future," said Joker. "And with Penguin's thugs combing the planet for us, we'd kinda like to skedaddle as soon as possible. Think you can hook me up?"

Leland sighed. "I'll see what I've got lying around in the back," she muttered, heading out the door behind the bar. "Keep outta sight, try not to draw attention to yourself, and no violence."

"You got it, toots!" chuckled Joker, taking a seat in a booth with Harley, Ivy, and Selina. Such a group of strange and attractive people, at least in the women's case, was unlikely to go unnoticed in a dump like the Arkham Cantina, however. And a man surrounded by three beautiful women was likely to be mistaken, in such a place, as a certain kind of man.

A humanoid alien sidled over to them. "Fifty credits for the Twi'lek," he muttered, nodding at Harley.

"Sorry, what?" asked Harley, confused.

"All right, a hundred for the Twi'lek and fifty for the cat lady," the alien said. "Make it a hundred for her too if the plant lady joins in."

"Sorry, sport, they're not for sale," retorted Joker. "Being, y'know, people and all…"

"Don't try to drive up the price by acting like you don't know what I'm talking about," interrupted the alien. "That's the oldest trick in the pimp's book."

"You think this clown-faced freak is the best we can do to drum up business?" demanded Selina. "He's not our pimp, and we're not prostitutes!"

"Not anymore," agreed Ivy.

The alien laughed. "You telling me you dress like that and you ain't looking to sell your bodies?"

"We dress how we like," retorted Selina, coldly.

"Well, it says to me you're looking to advertise," retorted the alien. "A few credits should be all I need to buy a girl who dresses like that. And if your pimp won't lower the price for the Twi'lek girl, I can't say I'm particularly interested. Although the rest of the gang might be."

"Gang?" repeated Joker, glancing over the man's shoulder at the group of tough, thuggish aliens of all races who watched them with hands on their blasters.

"That's right," said the alien, nodding. "So are you gonna let us have a go with the Twi'lek whore for a fair price, or are we gonna have to get nasty?"

Joker had whipped out his lightsaber and sliced off the alien's head before he could react.

"We're gonna have to get nasty," he muttered.

The gang immediately started firing at them, and Joker deflected the shots with his lightsaber. "You three go!" he shouted at the women. "I'll handle this!"

"Like hell you will!" shouted Selina, grabbing a gun from the dead alien and shooting back at the gang. "You deflect the shots and we'll take care of these guys!"

As the laser blasts flew, one cloaked and hooded patron, who had been sitting on his own in a booth, perked his head up at seeing the lightsaber, staring at it and the man who was using it with a look of disbelief.

"J, I said no violence!" shrieked Leland, re-entering the cantina to see the gang of men dead, smoking holes decorating their bodies.

"They started it!" Joker protested. "They accused me of being a pimp, and tried to buy Harley!"

"And us!" snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, but that's no surprise," retorted Joker. "And calling you two whores ain't an insult, just the truth."

Leland shoved the power converters into his arms "Take those and go!" she snapped. "And if I ever see your face in my bar again, I'll personally blow it off!"

"Thanks, toots – pleasure doing business with you," chuckled Joker, handing her a fistful of credits and heading for the door.

They emerged into the darkness of a desert night. "Wait!" shouted the hooded figure, racing out of the cantina after them. "Wait, wait, wait! I need to talk to you!"

"Well, make it quick!" snapped Joker. "I need to get off this dump of a planet ASAP!"

"Where did you get that lightsaber?" demanded the hooded figure.

"Killed a Jedi," said Joker.

"So _you_ killed Nygma!" exclaimed the hooded man. "How on earth could you have done that? Only a Jedi has skill enough to kill another Jedi!"

"Well, I did kill him, and I ain't no Jedi!" snapped Joker. "Jedi are a bunch of nerds, everyone knows that! With their meditation and their cryptic sayings and their non-violent resistance which is the reason they can't defeat the Justice Empire…"

" _I'm_ a Jedi!" snapped the man, throwing off his hood. "My name is Jonathan Crane."

"Well, sorry I insulted you and killed your buddy," said Joker. "Oh no, wait, I ain't."

"It's just not possible for anyone to take a Jedi by surprise! We have the gift of foresight! There's no way you could have killed Nygma – he would have seen it coming!" exclaimed Crane. "And there's no way you could have deflected all those laser blasts with the lightsaber! Unless…"

He trailed off, and then seized Joker's arm. "Hey! Hands off!" Joker shouted, shoving him away.

"Just shut up and let me touch you!" snapped Crane.

"Well, that's not at all a creepy thing to say…" began Joker, as Crane grabbed his arm again.

"No," Crane gasped at last, staring at him. "No, it's not possible!"

"What's not possible?" demanded Joker.

"You…have some Force ability," said Crane slowly. "Quite a bit, actually…it flows very strongly through your veins."

"How can you know that without a midi-chlorian count?" demanded Joker.

"A what?" asked Crane, puzzled.

"Y'know, those little creatures that live in your blood…" began Joker.

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about," interrupted Crane. "You clearly know nothing about the Force, anyway. It's an energy field created by all living things. It surrounds us and penetrates us; it binds the galaxy together. It has nothing to do with small organisms in your blood. What sort of ignorant blockhead thinks that?"

"Fans of the prequels, and George Lucas," muttered Joker under his breath.

"What?" asked Crane.

"Nothing," said Joker, hastily. "Anyway, I ain't a Jedi! Jedis are nerds, and I ain't a nerd, so I ain't a Jedi."

"No, you're not a Jedi," agreed Crane. "But you're extremely Force sensitive, and you need training to harness your abilities. You should come with me to learn the ways of the Force."

"Hey, I'm already on a quest, all right?" snapped Joker. "I need to return the Princess here to her homeworld," he said, gesturing at Harley. "And that's like a billion space miles away from here, and we're being hunted by Penguin the Hutt's guys, so we're in kinda a rush. So sorry, no time for a training montage or anything…"

"A man of your ability could be the only chance we have of defeating Darth Batman and the Justice Empire and restoring freedom to the galaxy!" exclaimed Crane. "We're down a man since you killed Nygma – you owe us!"

"I don't owe nothing to no one!" snapped Joker. "Nygma shouldn't have got a bounty on his head if he didn't want to end up dead! And he was too useless to have been much help in defeating anyone anyway! And frankly, me making lots of money by returning the Princess to her homeworld is my top priority at the moment over committing suicide by joining up with a buncha nerds to fight the Justice Empire, which will never be a priority!"

Crane looked at Harley. "Well, I can certainly understand your…interest in her," he stammered. "But let me come along with you, and I can train you in the ways of the Force after you take her home."

Joker sighed. "It's getting really crowded on my ship already…"

"I'll pay you to train as a Jedi," snapped Crane. "Just think of it as a job you'll get paid for, like any other."

"How much?" asked Joker.

"More wealth than you can imagine," replied Crane.

"I dunno, I can imagine quite a bit," retorted Joker.

"You'll get it, and more," said Crane.

"I'd better," snapped Joker.

"Can't you just let him come with us so we can get back to the ship?" demanded Selina. "It's freezing out here!"

Joker looked at Harley, who he suddenly noticed was shivering in the chill night air of the desert. He took off his jacket and draped it over her shoulders. "Thanks," she whispered, smiling at him.

"What about us? We're wearing less than her!" snapped Ivy.

"And that was your choice," said Joker, smiling at them patronizingly. "And anyway, you two ain't princesses, so you don't get special treatment. You can freeze to death for all I care, but Harley's gotta stay alive to collect my reward."

"There! It's them!" shouted a voice out of the darkness, and the group were suddenly surrounded by a band of thugs bearing the mark of the Penguin, all pointing guns at them.

"Grab the Princess," growled one, nodding at Harley. "The boss wants her alive. See that she's safe, and then start shooting."

Joker's hand flew to the lightsaber, but before he could even unsheathe it, Crane had stepped forward.

With a sweep of his arm, he sent a number of men flying into a nearby building, while with the other arm, he shot a bolt of lightning from his hand. The few men who hadn't been hit began shooting at him, but he already had his lightsaber out to deflect the shots, sending two of them back at the men who had fired them, and then raising his hand and pulling his fingers together to lift the remaining man into the air, clawing at his throat and choking as if by magic. Crane finished by thrusting the lightsaber blade through the man's chest. He pulled the weapon out of the smoking hole, sheathed it, and replaced it on his belt. Then he turned back to Joker, Selina, Harley, and Ivy, who were all staring at him open-mouthed.

"Ok, you can come," said Joker at last. "Might be handy to have a Jedi in a tight spot, after all."

"Thank you," said Crane, lightly.

"But that don't mean I'm gonna train with you," continued Joker. "I mean, I'll try it, but I won't complete it if I don't like it. And I probably won't like it," he muttered, leading the way back to the ship. "Never heard anything so crazy in my life, and that's saying something. Me, a Jedi! Yeah, right! Over my dead body!"

He had no idea how prophetic his words were about to become.


	6. Chapter 6

In the bare, lightless, windowless room on the Bat Star known as the Batcave, Darth Batman sat in darkness, his eyes behind his mask shut as he meditated. Suddenly, a screen flicked on in front of him.

"Batman," said a familiar voice.

Darth Batman opened his eyes. "What is thy bidding, my master?"

"There is a great disturbance in the Force," said the hooded face of the Super-Emperor.

"I have felt it," agreed Batman.

"The one known as the Joker has been contacted by the Jedi," said the Super-Emperor. "He has been made known of his own natural ability with the Force. A family trait, is it not?"

"I believe so, my master," murmured Batman.

"He must not be allowed to train," growled the Super-Emperor. "His realization of his power could destroy everything we have worked so hard to build."

"He's just a man," muttered Batman.

"So are you," retorted the Super-Emperor. "And men have such great power when their wills are strong, as you know, my apprentice. Especially when united with the power of the Force. Do not underestimate this man. He seeks to bring chaos and anarchy into the universe again, to fill it with violence and murder and mayhem. We cannot allow that to happen."

"Tell me where he is, and I will eliminate him," said Batman, standing up slowly and unsheathing a red lightsaber with a bat-shaped handle.

"I cannot sense where he is," murmured the Super-Emperor. "Can you, with your…connection to him?"

Batman shook his head slowly. "The Empire has received word from Penguin the Hutt on Tatooine, however," continued the Super-Emperor. "He was recently in possession of a Twi'lek Princess, which this Joker kidnapped from his Palace in order to retrieve the reward money offered by her parents on her safe return home. He will go there to collect his reward. I trust you will give it to him."

"Yes, my master," said Batman, bowing again. The screen flicked off, and Batman rose, storming from the Batcave with his cape trailing behind him onto the bridge of the Bat Star.

"Set a course for the Twi'lek homeworld," he commanded.

"Should we prepare the Bat laser?" asked a crewman. "Will destroying the planet be necessary?"

"We'll see," murmured Batman. "It all depends on how cooperative they are."

…

"So tell me this, toots," said Joker, who had set the course of his ship on autopilot and now sat in the lounge with Harley, Ivy, Selina, and Crane. "How does a slave know how to shoot the way you do?"

Selina turned around from where she had been blasting at a target hanging against the wall. "Penguin insisted that all his women were trained with weapons, in case a client tried to take advantage without paying," she said, sheathing the blaster. "And there wasn't much else to do in your free time in that dump but practice. So Ivy and me are pretty good with whatever we can get our hands on."

"Bet that's what your clients say!" chuckled Joker.

Selina held the gun against his skull. "One more quip about my former profession, and I'll blow you away!" she hissed.

"Ok, geez, lighten up!" said Joker. "You'd think pussy would be nice and relaxed by now…"

"Selina, don't!" cried Harley, knocking the gun from her hand before she could pull the trigger.

"If you kill him, we'll be stranded in space without anyone to fly this thing," sighed Ivy. "So don't do that until we get to where we're going."

"Just get us to Harley's homeworld ASAP, so I never have to see you again!" growled Selina at Joker, heading over to a corner to sulk with Ivy.

"What about you, your highness?" asked Joker, as Harley picked up the fallen gun. "Can you shoot?"

She shook her head. "Not well…I wasn't there long enough to learn…any of the skills they wanted me to, actually. You could see how bad a dancer I was," she added, smiling at him. "I'm kinda naturally clumsy…which is one of the many reasons I'm surprised I'm really a Princess."

"You're probably a refreshing change," chuckled Joker. "Anyway, being born royal doesn't mean you're perfect. And it's ok to be naturally clumsy, y'know. As flaws go, that ain't a bad one to have."

"It is when you have to dance and fight for a living," muttered Ivy.

"Well, c'mon, I'll help you practice," said Joker. "The fighting, that is, not the dancing – I'm probably worse than you at that!" he laughed. "C'mon, shoot the gun at that target."

"And everyone else take cover," muttered Selina. "Harley always screws up with shooting – she nearly took out a whole room of us once by having the blast ricochet."

"It was an accident…" murmured Harley, tears rising to her eyes.

"I woulda done it on purpose if I had a buncha bitchy naysayers surrounding me," retorted Joker. "No wonder she screws up with you negative people around her saying she'll fail all the time! C'mon, your highness, I know you can do it," he said, turning back to Harley. "Just relax and you'll be fine."

Harley smiled at him and then aimed the gun, firing at the target. The blast missed, hitting the metal of the ship's wall instead and bouncing around the room, causing everyone to hit the ground.

"Ok…good try…but maybe that's enough practice for now," said Joker slowly, getting to his feet.

"Told you!" hissed Selina.

"I'm sorry," said Harley, tears in her eyes.

"What are you sorry about?" asked Joker. "Gave us all a good test of our reflexes! Here, try practicing your aim with something less lethal, like darts, and we'll work our way back up to guns."

"Thank you," said Harley, taking the darts from him. "But I don't understand why you don't give up when I'm clearly pretty hopeless…"

"Never given up on a lost cause yet, toots!" chuckled Joker. "That's why they call me crazy! Anyway, every Princess should know how to shoot."

Harley grinned at him. "I'm really sorry for almost killing you…"

"Ain't the first time someone's done that, and it certainly won't be the last!" chuckled Joker. "Fortunately I got Jedi-like reflexes, ain't that right, Johnny?"

"Unfortunately, yes," agreed Crane. "It will be very difficult to kill you. But you should do some practicing too, Joker, to improve your force ability. Your highness, throw those darts at him, and Joker, you block them with the lightsaber."

"No problemo, Johnny!" chuckled Joker, unsheathing the lightsaber. Crane then dumped a helmet on top of his head.

"Hey, what gives?" demanded Joker. "With the blast shield down on this I can't see a thing!"

"A Jedi doesn't need to see," retorted Crane. "He feels the Force flowing through him, and it guides his actions."

"You saying Nygma lost because he was blind?" demanded Joker. "I feel kinda bad for killing him now. No, wait, I actually don't."

"You have to let go your conscious self and act on instinct," continued Crane. "Your eyes can deceive you – don't trust them. Stretch out with your feelings instead."

"Do you ever stop talking crap?" asked Joker. "Do I have to talk crap to be a Jedi too? Because I'm not sure it's worth it."

"Your highness, just throw the darts," sighed Crane. "And aim for someplace fairly lethal, won't you?"

Harley obeyed, tossing them at Joker, who, even without the aid of his vision, managed to bat a good few of them away.

"That was really good," said Harley, smiling at Joker as he removed the helmet.

"It was fine, but a true Jedi can block everything you throw at them," said Crane. "I can show you if you want, your highness…"

"Nobody likes a show-off, Johnny," retorted Joker. "C'mon your highness – we'll practice your aim some more."

Crane glared at the two of them as Joker guided her shots at the dartboard. Joker raised her arm a little, holding it level with her eyes, and she leaned back against him. They looked very cozy together, but the moment was interrupted by a beeping from the cockpit.

"We're coming up on your planet, your highness," said Joker, leading the way to the front of the ship and taking a seat. "Prepare to get your first glimpse of home sweet home."

He pulled a lever to drop them out of lightspeed, and the stars and planets suddenly appeared in front of the view screen. The Twi'lek homeworld lay in front of them…and something else next to it, about a quarter of the size of it. They all stared out into the blackness of space, at a giant, circular space station with bat ears and wings.

"That's no moon," gasped Crane. "It's the Bat Star."

"Gee, what gave that away, Johnny?" demanded Joker. "The giant bat wings? I have a very bad feeling about this!"

"Darth Batman is on that," continued Crane, ignoring him. "I can sense his presence, I can feel his thoughts…" His eyes widened in realization and he gasped, "We have to get out of here now!"

"Yeah, good plan," agreed Joker, reaching for the controls.

But it was too late. The ship was caught in a tractor beam and pulled, slowly and inexorably, toward the Bat Star.

"I knew taking you on would be more trouble than it was worth!" snapped Joker, rounding on Crane. "Now you've got us caught by Darth Batman!"

"It's not me he's after," murmured Crane, quietly. He looked up at Joker. "It's you."

"Me?" demanded Joker. "Why me? I ain't a Jedi!"

"Yes, and he intends to kill you and prevent you from becoming one!" snapped Crane. "Your Force ability is strong beyond anything I've ever seen – strong enough to defeat Darth Batman if properly harnessed. He knows this. He's been searching for you a long, long time, ever since he found out who your brother was."

"Wait, I have a brother?" asked Joker. "Since when?"

"Don't you know who you are?" demanded Crane. "Who you really are?"

"No!" snapped Joker. "My past is very hazy, actually! All I remember is waking up on Tatooine!"

"Join the club," said Harley.

"Yeah, except I woke up all wet," said Joker. "I remember falling into a vat of something, but that's it."

"You are the elder son of Thomas Wayne," said Crane. "Your brother, Bruce Wayne, was a good man, with limitless potential to become the greatest Jedi who ever lived. But he was…betrayed and murdered by Darth Batman, who seeks to eradicate the Wayne line, knowing they are the only people who are strong enough in the Force to challenge him."

"Well, he won't get me without a fight!" snapped Joker.

"You can't win," said Crane. "But there are alternatives to fighting."

"Yeah," agreed Joker with a grin. "But where's the fun in that?"


	7. Chapter 7

The Clown Prince of Crime was pulled into the docking bay, where a regiment of stormtroopers, drafted servants of the Justice Empire, were waiting for them. "Search the ship," ordered the commanding officer, sending a group inside.

"Hello, boys," murmured a voice. They were stopped in their tracks by Ivy and Selina, who were smiling at them seductively. "Now you wouldn't wanna hurt widdle ol' us, would you?" purred Selina, as she and Ivy approached them.

"Orders, sir?" stammered one of the stormtroopers.

"Mmm, how about die, please?" murmured Ivy, laying a hand on one of their guns. Shots suddenly rang out behind them, taking out a line of stormtroopers, while Ivy and Selina grabbed the guns from them and dispatched the rest.

"Thank you," said Ivy with a smile.

"See, violence is more fun, Craney, like I told you," said Joker, emerging from behind the bulkhead with a smoking gun.

"Yes, and now the entire station is alerted to our presence, and will be after us," muttered Crane. "Well done."

"They have to find us first, so I propose splitting up," said Joker. "Johnny, you head right and try to find the controls that release the tractor beam. Harley, you're with me heading left. You two, stay here and guard the ship," he said, gesturing to Ivy and Selina. "Kill anybody who gets close."

"That's what I do for men in general," replied Selina with a grin.

"I'm not letting you head off with Harley into unknown danger on a station swarming with enemies!" snapped Ivy.

"Relax, Weed Lady," retorted Joker. "I got firepower."

"That's exactly what I'm afraid of!" snapped Ivy. "I don't want to see her get hurt!"

"I'll be fine, Red," said Harley. "I trust him."

"It's a big mistake to trust a fool like that," retorted Ivy.

"Well, who's the more foolish – the fool or the fool that follows him?" asked Joker, smiling.

"The fool," retorted Ivy, firmly.

"It's meant to be a rhetorical question," snapped Joker.

"We should go with you," continued Ivy, ignoring him. "This hunk of junk isn't worth guarding, and it's not likely anybody can do much damage to it that you haven't already done yourself."

"Agreed," said Selina, picking up guns from the dead stormtroopers and handing them to the girls. "Let's get going."

"Yeah, gee, it sure would be a shame if you two stayed behind and then got killed," muttered Joker under his breath as they headed off down the left passageway, while Crane took the right. "That sure would have been a tragedy."

They rounded the corner and were almost instantly met with stormtroopers, who began firing at them. They ducked down another hall, and found themselves facing another group of stormtroopers.

"We're surrounded!" shouted Harley.

"Not quite," retorted Joker, firing a blast into the grate at their feet. "Into the garbage chute, ladies!"

"Do you know what that's gonna do to my fur?" demanded Selina.

"You're welcome to stay here and get shot!" shouted Joker, as Harley and Ivy jumped through the grate. He followed them, and with a growl of annoyance, Selina came right behind him.

They landed ankle-deep in sewage. "I don't wanna know what most of this is," muttered Ivy, eyeing it suspiciously.

"Nothing that won't wash off," retorted Joker, looking around. "C'mon, let's find a way outta here."

"There's something in the water," whispered Harley, pointing at a ripple in the water, where something had surfaced, and then slithered off.

"That's just your imagination…" began Joker, but he was suddenly seized around the leg and dragged under the sewage.

"J!" screamed Harley, flailing around in the water trying to grab him.

"No, let him go," said Ivy, lightly, ignoring the splashing and still looking around for some way out. She joined Selina at trying to figure out the code for the keypad by the door, while Harley splashed around frantically for Joker.

Suddenly, there was a thudding sound, followed by a screech, and then Joker emerged from the sewage, gasping for breath.

"Oh, thank goodness!" cried Harley, throwing herself into his arms. "I thought I'd lost you!"

"That wouldn't have been a huge loss," muttered Selina, still punching in buttons.

"Yeah, I'm glad it picked on me rather than you two," snapped Joker, irritably, wiping sewage from his eyes. But as he looked down at the pretty Twi'lek embracing him tightly and gazing up at him with big, blue eyes full of concern, he found he wasn't that upset that the creature had picked on him.

"I'm so glad you're safe," she whispered.

"Well…that makes two of us," he murmured.

They stared at each other, and found their lips drawing toward the other's, until Ivy coughed loudly, ruining the moment.

"So why did that thing let you go?" asked Ivy.

"Something scared it off, I guess," replied Joker. "Whatever it was, it's good news, right?"

There was another thud and screech, and then the room seemed to suddenly get smaller. "I guess not," muttered Joker.

"The walls are closing in!" shrieked Harley, pointing at the rapidly shrinking space.

"Quick, find something to brace it with!" shouted Ivy, grabbing a piece of junk and holding it against the walls.

"Screw that – we're getting outta here!" shouted Joker, unsheathing his lightsaber. He sliced it through the door, the hot blade burning through the metal.

"Hurry up!" shouted Selina, helping Ivy and Harley to futilely try to brace the walls with trash.

"You wanna come over here and try to lick through the door with your rough cat tongue, you be my guest!" snapped Joker.

He was through at last, kicking through the hole he had cut in the door. "C'mon!" he shouted, gesturing for the other three to go first. He had just barely crawled out after them when the trash compactor smashed the remaining junk to pieces.

"Man, that was close," said Joker, wiping the sweat from his brow. "Can you imagine what would have happened if I hadn't had this laser sword?"

"Isn't drawing attention to yourself as a Jedi like that kinda a bad idea?" asked Ivy.

"I don't see how," replied Joker, twirling the lightsaber in his hand. "Nobody is gonna mess with a Jedi. If anything, it makes us more safe."

"Or not," said a voice. They all looked up to see Darth Batman standing in front of them, his own red lightsaber drawn and breathing heavily through his dark mask.

"Tell the women to head back to the ship," he growled. "My quarrel is not with them. It's with you, Joker."

"I…think you ladies should do what he says," said Joker, slowly.

"No, J, I won't leave you…" began Harley.

"Yes, you will," interrupted Ivy, seizing her around the waist and dragging her away, with Selina's help. Harley struggled against them, fighting to get back to Joker.

"Let me go!" she shrieked. "He needs me! He needs me!"

"There's nothing you can do!" hissed Selina. "Just be glad he's letting us go!"

They found Crane back at the ship. "I deactivated the tractor beam, so we can get out of here…" he began, but trailed off, looking around. "Where's Joker?" he asked.

"Back there," said Ivy, nodding. "With Darth Batman."

"You gotta help him, Johnny!" cried Harley, with tears in her eyes. "You just gotta! He can't take on Darth Batman alone, not without any Jedi training!"

Crane said nothing for a moment. "If we're not back in five minutes, take off without us," he muttered, heading for the passageway that the women had come from. "But I can't abandon him, much as I'd like to. He's the last hope we have left."


	8. Chapter 8

"So…how does this work?" asked Joker, slowly, as he faced off against Darth Batman. "We fight for a bit, you cut off my hand, and then reveal some dark, terrible secret to me so I can scream 'NOOOOOO!'?"

"What are you babbling about?" demanded Darth Batman.

"Oh please, it's only one of the most famous movies ever!" scoffed Joker. "You been living in a cave for the past forty years or what?"

"Yes," retorted Darth Batman, seriously. "I've been living in the Batcave."

"O…K," said Joker, slowly. "Well, way to ruin that joke."

"Your madness ends here," growled Darth Batman. "With the death of the last of the Waynes, the last resistance to the Empire will be crushed, and we will have complete power over the galaxy."

"We'll never let that happen," said Crane, appearing suddenly with his lightsaber drawn. "The last of the Waynes will destroy you, Darth Batman, and the Justice Empire along with you, restoring freedom to the universe."

"Freedom is chaos," retorted Darth Batman. "Order is justice. And the Empire will bring ultimate order to the galaxy."

"And at what cost?" demanded Crane. "Free will? The life of every creature in the galaxy? You would never have paid that price, Bruce."

"That name no longer has any meaning for me!" snapped Darth Batman.

"Wait, is this the big reveal?" asked Joker. "Should I be getting ready to go 'NOOOOO!'?"

"You used to be one of us, Bruce," continued Crane, ignoring him. "You used to fight with us…"

"That was before the Super-Emperor showed me the true path," interrupted Darth Batman. "Before I saw the light of complete order and justice. If only you knew the power of the Dark Side. Your powers are weak in comparison, old man."

"I'm not that old," growled Crane. "And you have blinded yourself to what true power is. It is not having to take orders from a master – it is the freedom to choose your own destiny, the freedom which you would take from every creature in the universe if you had your way. But you will fail, Bruce."

"I think not," retorted Darth Batman. "The circle is now complete. When I left you, I was but the learner. Now I am the master."

"You can't win, Bruce," retorted Crane. "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Darth Batman lunged forward to engage Crane in a lightsaber duel, when Joker stepped between them, blocking with his own lightsaber. "Woah, woah, woah, nobody's striking anyone down until they tell me what the hell is going on!" Joker snapped. "Who's Bruce?"

"Isn't it obvious, clown?" demanded Darth Batman. "I am your brother!"

Joker grinned. "Then frankly, you're probably the one who should be yelling 'NOOOO!' But I'll humor you…NOOOOOO!"

"Joker, get back to the ship!" shouted Crane, shoving him away. "You're just in the way! Let me handle this!"

"You heard him – your powers are weak, old man!" retorted Joker. "You could use my help…"

"It's more important that you get out of here and live!" shouted Crane. "Just take off without me and get as far away as possible! And I'm not that old!"

Darth Batman's lightsaber sliced across Crane's arm at that moment, and he gasped in pain. "Although clearly…my reflexes could be better," he hissed.

"Johnny…" began Joker.

"I said go!" Crane shouted, shooting out a hand and using the Force to push Joker and send him flying back into the hanger bay.

"J!" shrieked Harley, racing forward and helping him to his feet. "J, c'mon, get back on the ship! We've got to get outta here!"

"Johnny can't take him on his own!" shouted Joker, starting forward again as he saw Crane dueling with Darth Batman, who clearly had the upper hand. Crane looked at Joker suddenly, took a deep breath, and then shut his eyes, letting Darth Batman's lightsaber slice through him.

"Well…that was unexpected," said Joker, freezing in his tracks. "And dumb! What the hell did you do that for, Johnny?!"

"J, c'mon!" screamed Harley. "There's nothing we can do for him – we've gotta go!"

Darth Batman stared at the pile of rags at his feet, and then turned, starting toward Joker with his lightsaber drawn. "Yeah…good idea, toots, let's beat it!" said Joker, turning and racing away from him back toward the ship.

"Oh, you're not dead," said Ivy, lightly, as Joker raced onboard the ship right after Harley. "How unfortunate."

"No, but Johnny is," retorted Joker, as he ran his fingers over the ship's controls and it rose into the air. "Just let Darth Batman kill him like some kinda wuss! He was a better fighter than that! It don't make any sense!"

"Maybe he was sick of fighting," muttered Selina. "I know I am."

"No, he sacrificed himself for us," murmured Harley. "So we could get away. He must really have a lot of confidence in you, J."

"Well, clearly he wasn't the brightest," muttered Ivy.

"Woah, hey, is that Darth Batman?" asked Selina, glancing back as the ship blasted out of the Bat Star. "He's kinda hot. I like the mask."

"Anybody ever told you you have appalling taste in men?" asked Ivy.

"They're coming after us!" shouted Harley as small fighter ships emerged from the Bat Star.

"Strap yourselves in, ladies," said Joker. "I'm making the jump to hyperspace right now!"

He slammed his fist down on the control, and the stars outside the viewport suddenly zoomed into beams of light. "Where are we headed now?" asked Ivy. "We just left Harley's planet with the Bat Star, and obviously Tatooine is out of the question."

"Plenty more systems in the galaxy, toots," retorted Joker.

"But not plenty free from the Empire's agents, who are gonna be combing the galaxy for you," pointed out Selina.

"Yeah, thanks to my little bro," muttered Joker. "Well, at least he didn't cut my hand off. Grateful for small blessings, I guess."

"So where are we headed?" demanded Selina.

"Y'know, curiosity killed the cat, toots," snapped Joker. "But if you gotta know, we're heading to a place called Cloud City to see an old pal of mine. We go way, way back. He's got no love for the Empire, so he can hide us from them, no problemo."

"Who is he?" asked Ivy.

"Well, his real name is Harvey Dent," said Joker. "But I know him better as Two-Face."


	9. Chapter 9

The journey to Cloud City was a long one, the planet being on the other side of the galaxy, and as stars flew past them hour after hour, Ivy and Selina elected to pass the time by getting some rest. Harley had intended to join them, but when Joker left the control room to head into the lounge, he saw Harley seated alone at the table, staring down at her hands.

"Can't sleep, huh?" he asked, sitting down next to her.

She shook her head. "Nah uh. I can't stop thinking about poor Johnny, and what he did for us. For you," she said, looking up at him.

"Well, if he thought he could guilt trip me into fighting the Empire just because he died for me, he wasn't nearly as smart as he thought he was," retorted Joker. "I ain't gonna fight for anything because I don't believe in anything. That's for suckers."

"Johnny believed in you," said Harley. "And…I do too. Does that mean we're suckers?"

"Well…yeah, kinda," said Joker, slowly. "I think you both believe in me because you think I'm something I'm not. I'm not a hero, sweets."

"Really?" she said. "So busting three slave girls out of their servitude, flying them halfway across the galaxy, and then saving their lives when they get trapped on a hostile space station is not at all heroic, huh?"

"My motivations are entirely selfish," he snapped. "I'm still gonna collect my reward money for your safe return, your highness. Eventually."

"Yeah, but you haven't shot Red or Selina yet either," she pointed out. "That's taken some heroism. There's no reward for saving them, and you really seem to hate each other."

"Well, I wouldn't wanna upset…I mean, they're your friends and all…" said Joker, slowly. "Though I don't really know why."

"They're very protective of me," said Harley. "I'm grateful to them. I don't remember who I am or where I came from, and there's so much about the galaxy I don't know. Red and Selina look out for me. Because they care about me."

"Because they're control freaks," muttered Joker under his breath. "If they really cared about you, they'd give you the freedom to make your own choices, to choose your own destiny…" He trailed off.

"What is it?" asked Harley.

"Just…something Johnny said," murmured Joker. "Before he died. He said the Justice Empire would take away everyone's right to choose their own destiny…and that…ain't funny."

He shook his head. "But I ain't responsible for anyone else in this galaxy but myself. I ain't gonna fight and die for people I don't know."

"What about people you do know?" asked Harley. "Darth Batman is poised to attack my planet now, and destroy my people."

"You don't even remember your planet or your people," retorted Joker.

"No," she murmured. "But it would be my fault that they died. And it would be hard to live with that guilt on my conscience. Just like it is with Johnny's."

Tears filled her eyes. "Hey…it's not your fault," said Joker. "Feel sad if you wanna, but not guilty."

"I just don't like to think of him having died for nothing," she whispered. "And if you're really not gonna train to be a Jedi and fight the Justice Empire…then he did."

She let out a sob and the tears began to fall. "Aw, now, c'mon, your highness," said Joker, putting an arm around her and pulling her close. "I mean…if it'll make you happy, I'll look into this Jedi training stuff, how about that?"

"Really?" she asked, sniffing and wiping her nose as she gazed up at him hopefully.

"Sure," he said. "Can't promise I'll do anything about it, but I'll look into it. I'll ask Harvey if he knows where any Jedi are hanging out the moment we get to Cloud City."

"I'm sure Johnny would be very happy to hear it," said Harley, smiling.

"Well…making him happy ain't the reason I'm doing it," he murmured.

They stared at each other. "I mean…you got a nice smile, y'know," said Joker. "And it's nice to see it."

"Yeah?" she whispered.

"Yeah," he said. "Nice smile. Nice, pretty, red lips…"

His mouth drew down to hers as he trailed off, and they met in a kiss. Joker felt Harley actually beaming in happiness as they kissed, and he drew her closer, their lips never separating.

Until an unpleasant voice snapped. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

"Mmm…Red!" exclaimed Harley, drawing away from Joker suddenly. "He wasn't…we were just…uh…"

"How dare you try to take advantage of a vulnerable, grieving woman?" demanded Ivy, glaring furiously at Joker. "Especially one of royal birth! You're some…some piece of space scum and she's an heir to the throne! How dare you presume you can kiss her?!"

"Hey, it's not like she wasn't enjoying it!" snapped Joker.

"She's young and foolish," snapped Ivy, grabbing Harley's arm and dragging her away. "She doesn't know anything about men, or how they use women to get what they want and leave! Well, you're not taking advantage of a princess, you scoundrel! I'm not taking my eyes off Harley until you're safely away from her permanently!"

Harley was dragged off, but glanced back at Joker and grinned. He stood up and headed back to the control deck with a smile on his own face. "Worth it," he said, settling back down in the pilot's chair.


	10. Chapter 10

"No, I don't have a landing permit – I'm trying to reach Harvey Dent…" began the Joker, as the Clown Prince of Crime sailed through the sunlit clouds on the planet Bespin, where Cloud City was located. They were being accompanied by an escort fighter, which now fired a warning shot at the ship.

"Hey! Don't damage my ship, pal!" snapped Joker through the communicator. "You'll dent the smile!"

"You will not deviate from your present course," snapped the voice from the other ship.

"Is there any reason why this guy Two-Face would be hostile toward you?" asked Selina.

"Well…I can think of a few reasons," said Joker, slowly. "But they were a long time ago – I'm sure he's forgotten about them."

Ivy rolled her eyes. "I knew you didn't have any actual friends," she muttered under her breath.

"Yeah, that makes two of us," retorted Joker. "You only got your sister of the night, and your prisoner."

"I'm protecting Harley from dangerous men!" snapped Ivy. "Which means all men!"

The argument could have easily escalated, when the pilot of the other ship spoke again. "Permission granted to land on platform 22."

"Thank you," snapped Joker. "And hey, tell Harvey he owes me a paint job from your little laser blast. Jerk," he muttered, hanging up the communicator.

They landed on a platform on the far side of the large facility situated in the clouds. The platform was totally empty of any signs of life. "Your pal really rolls out the welcoming committee," said Selina, sarcastically, as they all disembarked the ship.

The door to the facility opened at that moment, and a man strode out to meet them. He was dressed half in black and half in white, with a black and white cape. But the most unusual thing about the man was that half of his face appeared to have been burnt off – it was ugly and scarred, but the other half was very handsome. And both faces glared at Joker in annoyance.

"Harvey!" exclaimed Joker, throwing up his arms and beaming. "Good to see ya again!"

"Why, you slimy, double-crossing, no good swindler," growled Two-Face. "You got a lotta guts coming here, after what you pulled."

"Me?" said Joker, innocently. "What have I done? Oh yeah, wait, that time I switched your coin with a trick one that always landed on heads so I always won every bet I made with you…well, what have I done recently?"

"You tricked me outta my ship," growled Two-Face, nodding at the Clown Prince of Crime.

" _Your_ ship?" repeated Joker. "Hey, remember, you lost her to me fair and square. Flipped a coin, I called it, it landed heads. All fair and above board."

"That was the trick coin," growled Two-Face.

"Well, who holds grudges for petty things like that?" asked Joker, smiling innocently.

"I do," retorted Two-Face, folding his arms across his chest. "So you better get the hell outta here before I tell my guys to cut you in half and take my ship back. She's been through enough in your possession – you took my great black and white paint job and ruined it with some silly smile."

"She's never looked better," retorted Joker. "Your paint job was boring. I made her look more fun."

"You have twenty seconds to leave, J," snapped Two-Face.

"Now let's not be hasty, Harvey," said Joker. "You haven't met my traveling companions yet…this is Poison Ivy and Catwoman," he said, stepping out of the way and gesturing to the women.

Two-Face stared at them, his jaw open slightly, and then relaxed into a charming smile. "I'm…really pleased to meet you ladies," said Two-Face, bowing and kissing their hands.

"Yes, I thought you might be, you old smoothie," said Joker, grinning.

"I'm Harvey Dent – I'm the administrator of this facility," continued Two-Face, ignoring him. "J's certainly upgraded the company he keeps since the last time I saw him."

"Well, I had no idea he had such attractive friends," murmured Ivy, smiling at him. "He must be really jealous of you."

"Yeah, I can only dream of being as handsome as a man with half a face," said Joker, sarcastically.

"And who might this be?" asked Two-Face, noticing Harley.

"This is Harley Quinn," said Joker. "But that might not be her real name – she's really a princess, but she's been brainwashed so she doesn't remember her identity."

"So how did you come to be in the company of such an attractive group of women, J?" asked Two-Face. "You haven't gone into pimping, have you?"

"Why does everyone think…no, I haven't!" snapped Joker. "And it's a long story, Harvey. Gonna take more than twenty seconds to tell it to ya."

Two-Face glared at him a few moments more, and then smiled. "Well, no hard feelings, J," he said, clapping him on the back. "A friendship like ours shouldn't be ruined by a few minor unpleasantries. But if you double-cross me again, I'm gonna cut you in two and dump you down a reactor shaft, get me?" he growled.

"Yes, sir, Mr. Administrator," said Joker, saluting. "Y'know, you've become less fun since you got that title and this place and turned all respectable."

"It got too hard to make a dishonest living in the Justice Empire's galaxy, J," retorted Two-Face. "But a respectable, responsible man still has the ability to make his own kinda life, without the Empire bothering him too much."

"What is it you do here, Mr. Dent?" asked Ivy, as they all followed Two-Face into the facility.

"It's Harvey, please, Miss Ivy," he said. "And we're a gas mining colony, an independent facility who chooses our own business partners, not just slaves serving the Justice Empire."

"You own your own business, huh?" asked Selina, interested. "That's such an impressive thing for a man to do."

"There's not a Mrs. Harvey Dent, is there?" asked Ivy, sliding her arm into his.

Joker chuckled to himself as he followed behind them next to Harley. "Good old Harvey! I knew he'd be able to keep the guard cat and plant occupied fighting over him. And while the cat and plant's away, the clown and princess can play," he said, grinning at Harley.

She giggled as he grabbed her hand and slipped away from the group. "C'mon, let's take a look around," he said, as they emerged into an elegant bedroom with a terrace that looked out onto the sky. The sun was setting into the clouds surrounding them, dying them red and gold.

"It's a beautiful view," said Harley.

"It sure is," agreed Joker, looking at her. She grinned at him, blushing slightly.

"Y'know…this is kinda crazy," she said, slowly. "I mean, I really…really like you. But Red's right. I'm a princess, and you're a…well, a criminal. We can't really ever…be together."

"Maybe not forever," he agreed. "Maybe we can just be together now. For one short, precious moment."

"You don't think that's crazy?" she asked.

"Nah uh," he said. "I think that's all you can ask outta life. One short, precious moment of happiness."

She beamed at him as he kissed her again. "I…think I love you," she whispered.

"Now that's crazy," he agreed.

"Why?" she asked.

He shrugged. "What's to love?" he asked. "I'm a criminal with some newly discovered, major family issues, and a nerd Force ability."

"I think you're the most wonderful man I've ever met," she whispered.

"Well, that wouldn't have been much of a competition in Penguin the Hutt's palace," chuckled Joker. "You must have had to deal with a lotta scum there."

"I never…uh…that is…I was sold to him as…a virgin," stammered Harley. "And I never…had any experience with men physically there…at all."

He stared at her. "You mean you've never…"

She shook her head. "I…kinda want to," she whispered, gazing at him. "Just to know what it's like. Red and Selina, they treat me like a child because…I guess I kinda still am. I haven't done…what most adults do."

"But you're a princess," he said. "You're probably supposed to be married off to some prince, and then you'll…y'know. With him. After you're married. All right and proper."

"But what if I don't wanna be…right and proper?" she asked. "What if I wanna be a little…bad and crazy?"

"You mean you want…us to…"

"Uh huh," she interrupted. "I do."

"Well…normally I'd be happy to oblige, but I'd feel guilty for…taking advantage of you like that," said Joker. "Especially when it's your first time."

Harley nodded. "Ok. I understand."

She smiled at him. "Red and Selina were in charge of training me to do the kinda work they did. They told me a few things that they assured me would make men uncontrollable with desire. You sure you don't wanna let me practice on you?"

"I…do wanna," agreed Joker. "But…it wouldn't be right."

"No," she agreed. "It would be very, very bad and wrong. Wouldn't it, Mr. J?" she purred, cuddling gently against him and then kissing him slowly.

"You know what, your highness?" he murmured.

"What?" she asked, gazing at him.

"You're a natural," he said, grinning.

She giggled as he pressed her down on the bed, the sun dying beyond the window and the night sky filling with countless stars.


	11. Chapter 11

They had both drifted off to sleep in each other's arms when Joker woke up in the middle of the night, creeping carefully out of bed. Harley stirred at his absence. "Mmm…Mr. J?" she asked, sleepily.

"Just going to the toilet, kid," he said, kissing her forehead. "Go back to sleep."

He headed into the bathroom and opened the door, flicking on the light. "Joker," said a familiar voice.

He looked up and let out a cry of alarm, leaping back from the familiar, yet blue and glowing figure, of Jonathan Crane.

"Holy crap…how long have you been there and what have you seen?!" demanded Joker, grabbing a towel to cover himself. "You some kinda pervert ghost or what?!"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Crane. "I didn't know you didn't wear pajamas to bed, like normal people, and frankly I didn't have much choice as to where I appeared, or I certainly wouldn't have chosen the bathroom, but…"

"Puddin', I heard a shout, what…" began Harley, opening the door at that moment. She too saw Crane and screamed, grabbing another towel to cover herself, while Crane stared from her to Joker in horror.

"Oh God…tell me it's not what it looks like!" Crane gasped.

"It's exactly what it looks like!" snapped Joker. "What I wanna know is why you're somehow alive again and creeping into people's bathrooms!"

"I'm not alive!" snapped Crane. "I became one with the Force, and now I can appear from time to time to offer guidance and exposition when necessary for the continuation of the plot."

"Ok, well, get outta my bathroom!" snapped Joker, shoving him out of the door. "I need to use it!"

Harley followed Crane out as Joker slammed the door, the towel still clutched firmly around her body. "Well…it's nice to see you again, Johnny," she stammered.

"Yes, it's…very nice to see you too," said Crane. "Not that I saw you, in that way, that's not what I meant at all," he added, hastily.

"So…what guidance and exposition are you gonna offer?" asked Harley, slowly.

"I'm here to make sure the Joker trains as a Jedi," replied Crane. "It is his destiny."

"I thought Mr. J said you said people should be allowed to choose their own destinies," said Harley.

"I say a lot of things," retorted Crane.

The toilet flushed, the sink ran, and then Joker stepped out of the bathroom, drying his hands and with the towel still around his waist. "So did Nygma become one with the Force when he died?" Joker asked. "Cause I ain't seen him around."

"Yes, but he's understandably fairly angry at you," said Crane. "So he wouldn't really want to guide you anyway."

"And what advice do you wanna give me?" demanded Joker. "More 'use the Force, Joker,' platitudes, right?"

"No, I have a mission for you," snapped Crane. "You must complete your Jedi training as quickly as possible, so you'll be ready the next time you encounter Darth Batman. You must go to the Dagobah system and learn from Jervis Tetch, the Jedi Master who taught me."

"I still have other priorities," retorted Joker, nodding at Harley. He frowned suddenly. "Hey, wait a minute. If Darth Batman is my brother, do I have any other siblings you haven't told me about?"

"No," replied Crane.

"Well, that's a relief," said Joker. "For a terrible moment, I thought Harley might be my sister, and we just did a buncha stuff that would be illegal pretty much everywhere."

"You're not even the same species!" snapped Crane. "Anyway, what I told you about your brother was true, from a certain point of view."

"Yeah, a lying point of view," retorted Joker. "You could have just said that Bruce Wayne went nuts and put on a costume – I would have believed that no problemo. Seems really in character, actually."

"Bruce was seduced by the Dark Side of the Force," sighed Crane. "He became obsessed with order and justice, and devoted himself as a religious fanatic to these ideals. And when the Super-Emperor promised he could make the galaxy safe, a galaxy of peace and non-violence, Darth Batman pledged his loyalty to him. He is blinded by his love of order to see what harm he is doing. And the only person who can stop him is you. You must go to Dagobah and train."

"But if I become a Jedi, I gotta give up Harley," said Joker. "Because Jedi can't marry or have sex or anything, right?"

Crane stared at him. "What makes you think that?"

"Well, I've met you and Nygma," replied Joker. "And frankly if either of you have ever scored, I'll go out and kiss a Wookiee."

"We're an order who's lasted for over a thousand generations," Crane snapped. "How do you think we've done that by firstly not pro-creating, and secondly by banning members from loving people? That's not how you get wise warriors – that's how you get repressed psychopaths! And just because Mr. Nygma and I may have…been celibate, through no choice of our own, by the way, it's by no means forbidden for a Jedi to love! What sort of nonsensical idea is that?"

"But the prequels said…" began Joker.

"Stop believing the prequels!" shouted Crane. "They don't make any sense!"

"I don't know what you two are talking about, but I'm gonna get dressed," said Harley, grabbing her clothes and heading into the bathroom.

"So I can take Harley with me to Dagobah?" asked Joker.

"You do temporarily need your life free of distractions so you can concentrate on your training," replied Crane. "She should stay here."

"I think you're just jealous," retorted Joker.

"I'm dead!" snapped Crane. "Anyway, Darth Batman is still scouring the galaxy for you, and will show no mercy for those who accompany you if you're caught. But she's safe from him here, with her friends."

Joker nodded slowly. "And this training will take…what? A couple hours?"

"A couple months," retorted Crane. "At least."

"What?" demanded Joker. "You know, things are finally starting to go pretty great for me after a really unpleasant few days of things trying to eat me, and people locking me up, and my newly-discovered brother trying to kill me, and now you wanna ruin it all by sending me off to some god-forsaken planet to train with the King of the Nerds for months?!"

"That's the idea, yes," snapped Crane. "And if you care about Harley at all, you'll do this for her, and for everyone else in the galaxy. You're our last hope."

Harley emerged from the bathroom at that moment, and Joker looked at her. "I also won't leave you alone until you do this," added Crane, folding his arms across his chest.

"Do what?" asked Harley.

Joker sighed heavily, rolling his eyes. "All right, if it'll stop your nagging and get you off my back, Johnny," he muttered. "Sweets, Daddy's gotta go away for a little while," he began, placing his hands on Harley's shoulders. "He's gotta do his Jedi training at Dagobah."

She stared at him in disbelief. "So that's it?" she whispered. "I tell you I love you, and make love with you, and you just…leave me?"

"Kid, I promise you, I wouldn't if I had a choice," he said. "But it ain't up to me. I gotta go do this Jedi training or Johnny's never getting outta my hair. And think how awkward it would be to have him always hanging around. Anyway, I thought you wanted me to train too."

"I do," she agreed. "I just don't wanna leave you."

He kissed her. "Hey, I'll be back as soon as I can, I promise," he said, dressing. "But you'll be safe and happy here, with Harvey and Ivy and Selina. They'll take care of you until I get back. So keep that cute little chin up, and smile for me, huh? Daddy loves his smiles."

Harley nodded, tears in her eyes. "Ok," she whispered.

"That's my girl," he said, kissing her and heading for the door. "I'll just find Harvey and tell him I'm going."

"Mr. J!" called Harley. He turned back to her. "I love you," she whispered.

Joker nodded. "I know."


	12. Chapter 12

"So…this guy we're gonna see…known him long?" asked Joker, casually, as he flew the Clown Prince of Crime toward the Dagobah system.

"As I said, he's the Jedi Master who taught me," replied Crane's ghost, who sat huffily next to him in the pilot's chair with his arms folded across his chest. "So yes, we've known each other for many years."

"Are you close?" asked Joker.

"We're friends, yes," retorted Crane. "Why?"

"Does he know you're dead?" asked Joker. "I just don't want it to be awkward when we just suddenly show up like this…"

"He has sensed it through the Force," replied Crane. "The Force allows a Jedi to know and see things that happen far away in space and time. Especially to people close to you. For instance, you might be able to sense what's happening to Harley once you train your Force ability."

"Oh, you and this guy are like me and Harley, huh?" asked Joker with a smile.

"No!" snapped Crane. "No, we're just very close friends! A bond doesn't have to be physical to make two people close!"

"No, but it's sure a lotta fun when it is!" chuckled Joker. "Ah, she's a good kid."

"She's a princess," snapped Crane. "You know it can never work out between you, don't you?"

"Boy, you are just the most cheerful traveling companion I've ever had," muttered Joker. "Is it because you're dead, or were you always this lifeless even when you were alive?"

"I would just hate for her highness to become too attached to you, when her feelings can only end in bitter disappointment," replied Crane. "You're hardly a suitable consort for royalty."

"Well, once I'm a Jedi Knight, then I will be, huh?" chuckled Joker.

"I doubt her royal family will see it that way," muttered Crane.

"Oh, c'mon," said Joker. "Once I defeat Darth Batman and save the universe, everyone's gonna love me!"

"Not everyone," retorted Crane.

"Everyone living," replied Joker. "You're dead, so nobody cares what you think."

"Just keep the ship steady and don't crash into the swamp," snapped Crane, as they approached the planet's surface.

"Swamp? What swamp?" asked Joker.

The alarms on the ship suddenly went off as the fog in the atmosphere choked its engines, sending it spiraling down into the brackish water of the marsh below.

"Oh. That swamp," said Joker, looking out of the viewport.

"Come along before it swallows the whole ship," muttered Crane, climbing out of the top hatch.

"It'd better not – it'll cost me a fortune to get a new one," said Joker. "Plus I'll be stuck on this slimy mudhole until I do…"

"Mudhole? Slimy? My home this is, and I'll thank you not to refer to it like that," said a voice. It came from a small man standing on shore, immaculately dressed in a blue suit, top hat, and cane.

"Jervis, you are a sight for sore eyes!" exclaimed Crane, rushing to embrace him.

"Can you actually hug a ghost?" asked Joker as he climbed out of the ship and headed for shore to join them.

"I can see you have much to learn about the ways of the Force, including what life is like for those who become one with it," said Tetch, holding out his hand to the Joker. "How do you do? I'm Jervis Tetch, and I'm very pleased to meet you, Joker. I've heard so much about you."

"Yeah? Who from?" asked Joker. "Because whatever they've said, they're probably lying."

"Mostly from Jonathan and Edward," said Tetch.

"Edward?" repeated Joker. "Nygma? What, did you hold a séance to get in touch with him in the afterlife or something?"

"Actually, Edward is here," replied Tetch, gesturing to his cottage not far off. "Do come inside and join us for tea, both of you."

"You know, you don't look much like a Jedi Master to me," said Joker as they walked. "Aren't you meant to be a great warrior?"

"I am a great warrior," retorted Tetch. "What were you expecting? Some gigantic man with more muscle than brain?"

"Frankly, yes," replied Joker. "That's kinda what springs to mind when you think 'great warrior.'"

Tetch shook his head. "The Force is not concerned with size or strength. And those who have the strongest ability are not necessarily the strongest looking. A Jedi knows that true strength comes from the wisdom of the mind and the energy of the Force, not from any physical prowess. Size matters not."

"Wait, why did you say that last sentence in that weird, backwards way?" asked Joker.

"I…don't know," said Tetch. "It's archaic, I suppose, and sounds wise. But I'll try not to make a habit of it."

He opened the door to a cozy home where a familiar, disgruntled figure sat at a laid table, also with a transparent, blue outline.

"Eddie! Good to see you again! No hard feelings about the whole killing you thing, huh?" asked Joker, beaming at him.

Nygma glared at him in loathing. "If you weren't the last hope for universal freedom, I'd choke you to death now," he muttered.

"Can you still do the whole Force choke thing if you're dead?" asked Joker.

"I'd find a way," snapped Nygma.

"Let's all just sit down and have tea, like civilized people," said Tetch, gently. "Now Joker, this is going to be an extensive training program, and I need your full cooperation and commitment."

"Don't you worry, Tetchy," said Joker, taking a seat next to Nygma as Crane and Tetch sat down, the latter pouring the tea. "I left my main distraction back on Cloud City."

"Good," said Tetch, handing him a cup. "Because it's very important that you complete this training. The fate of the galaxy depends upon it."

"Personally, I think the galaxy is doomed depending on this clown, but Jervis insists he's got potential," muttered Nygma, taking his teacup from Tetch.

"And I trust Jervis," agreed Crane, taking his.

"You got anything stronger than tea around here?" asked Joker. "It's just not usually my drink of choice…"

"It will help relax your body and mind in preparation for your training exercises," replied Tetch.

"Well, I've already used the lightsaber some, so we can probably skip ahead…" began Joker.

"Oh no, good heavens, you won't be starting out with a lightsaber!" laughed Tetch. "What a silly idea! We have lots of basic exercises to do before you even think of picking up a training saber!"

"What kinda exercises?" asked Joker, skeptically.

"Well, first of all, drink your tea," said Tetch, nodding at him. "Then we'll try some meditating…"

"What's that?" interrupted Joker.

"It's where you sit still for hours and try to clear your mind of all thoughts," explained Crane.

"That sounds kinda boring," retorted Joker.

"Joker, you're training to be a Jedi," said Tetch. "What did you think – that it would be all flashing laser swords and action? Adventure, excitement, a Jedi craves not these things."

"You did that weird talking thing again," pointed out Joker.

"The point is, you mustn't be rash or reckless," continued Tetch, ignoring him. "We must practice cultivating patience and concentration, and the only way to do that is to sometimes be a little bored. Now finish your tea, and then we'll go find a nice patch of grass you can watch grow."

Joker sighed heavily. "Shoulda stayed on Cloud City," he muttered.


	13. Chapter 13

"I told you, Harley, all men are the same!" snapped Ivy. "They take what they want and then they leave!"

"But Mr. J will be back," murmured Harley, as she gazed out the window at the stars above Cloud City. "He promised me…"

"Men don't keep their promises either," interrupted Selina, who was lounging on a sofa by the window, sipping a cocktail. "They're all untrustworthy and ultimately disappointing."

"Don't be sore just because Harvey picked me instead of you," retorted Ivy with a smug smile. "Guess it just goes to show that he's a man of taste. Not to mention incredibly handsome."

"Yeah, if you wanna settle for a guy with half a face, Ivy, you be my guest," snapped Selina. "I can do so much better. And so can Harley – she shouldn't have to settle for that clown-faced moron."

"He's not a moron," said Harley, defensively. "He's gonna become a Jedi Knight and save the universe."

Selina snorted. "Sure, I've heard that one before. Men promise you the planet and all its moons, but they leave you with nothing."

"Well, all I can say is Harvey hasn't proved disappointing yet," murmured Ivy with a grin. "He is an impressive piece of manhood."

"Oh, my ears are burning!" chuckled Two-Face, entering the room and planting a kiss on Ivy's lips. "How are you three doing today?"

"Harley's a little glum without J, and Selina being's catty," replied Ivy. "But I'm certainly happy, Harvey. This is such a beautiful city – I'm sure we'll have no problem at all finding lots of stuff to do here until J comes back. Isn't that right, Harley? We'll find you a nice distraction, huh?"

"You can try, Red," sighed Harley, still staring out the window. "But I don't feel like doing much."

"How about joining us for a little refreshment?" asked Two-Face. "Everyone's invited, of course," he said, nodding at Selina.

"Well, I certainly wish that had been your attitude last night, Harvey," muttered Selina, as she followed him, Ivy, and Harley out of the room.

They headed down the bustling corridors of the facility. "It must be pretty hard for you to operate a profitable business like this in the shadow of the Justice Empire," said Ivy. "I admire your skill, which I think I told you last night too."

"It's all about doing good business," explained Two-Face. "And by knowing what deals to accept, and what ones to refuse. The Justice Empire are powerful, but they can be reasoned with. And things have developed that will ensure security. I've just made a deal that'll keep the Empire outta here forever."

He opened the door to the dining chamber to reveal Darth Batman, who stood up to greet them.

All three women seized the guns at their belts, but they were instantly ripped out of their hands by Darth Batman's Force ability which sent the weapons soaring across the room. "I would be honored if you would join me," he said.

Ivy turned to look at Two-Face in astonishment and fury. "I'm sorry," he muttered. "They planted a tracking device on your ship and followed you here. I didn't have a choice but to cooperate, or they would have blasted this entire planet into atoms."

"What do you want?" demanded Harley, glaring at Darth Batman.

He approached them. "Sadly we arrived too late to intercept our guest of honor," he growled. "But I have a feeling he will return very soon if a certain person here is put in danger. In fact, I'm counting on it."

"If you've got a tracking device on his ship, why don't you just follow him?" demanded Selina.

"Because he is on a planet with a Jedi Master," retorted Darth Batman. "And I want him to come here alone and unarmed to meet my master."

"The Super-Emperor…is here?" asked Selina.

"He is on the Bat Star orbiting this planet," said Darth Batman. "And he is most anxious to meet this Joker. We mustn't keep him waiting a moment longer than necessary," he said, grabbing Harley's arm.

"You are the one he cares for – I can sense your bond," he murmured. "And he will soon sense you in pain. It's nothing personal, but your torture is the only way to make him come to me."

"Over my dead body!" snapped Ivy, striding forward, but Two-Face seized her.

"Our deal is still in effect?" he asked Darth Batman. "I keep the other two down here?"

Darth Batman nodded. "Do what you want with them. They mean nothing to me or my master. This girl is the only one who matters."

He dragged Harley toward the door, fighting and struggling against him. Then the door closed on both of them, leaving Two-Face, Ivy, and Selina alone.

"You cowardly, double-crossing, two-faced scum…" began Selina.

"Shut up!" interrupted Two-Face. "And that's my name, all right? Don't use it as an insult! Anyway, I don't need a lot of crap right now! I did the best I could negotiating your freedom – just be grateful for that!"

"Oh yeah, we're really grateful, Harvey!" snapped Ivy, glaring at him. "You're a real hero! That psycho's got Harley, and we gotta save her! Where's he taking her?"

"To his shuttle, and then to the Bat Star," retorted Two-Face. "There's no way we can infiltrate that."

"We have to try," said Selina. "We can't just abandon her to torture and death!"

"They won't kill her until J gets back," muttered Two-Face.

"And when he does?" demanded Ivy.

Two-Face sighed. "Look, we should just be grateful that we're safe, and not get involved…"

"We're kinda already involved, whether we like it or not!" snapped Ivy. "Now we gotta get up to the Bat Star somehow and rescue Harley! There's gotta be something we can use in this dump of a facility to do that!"

"I thought you liked my facility!" said Two-Face.

"I liked it better before it was a trap," retorted Ivy. "C'mon, Harvey. I know you're a good guy deep down, and you'll help us save Harley. Won't you?"

Two-Face sighed, withdrawing a silver coin. "Heads, we all go get ourselves killed on this suicide rescue mission. Tails, we stay here and have that refreshment."

He flipped it up into the air and caught it in his palm. Then he sighed heavily. "Just my luck. Heads."


	14. Chapter 14

"Drink your tea, Joker," repeated Tetch, for about the thousandth time.

Joker glared at the cup in front of him, then reluctantly choked it down. He wiped his lips, making a face. "This tastes like crap, y'know," he muttered.

"It's good for you, so it doesn't matter what it tastes like," replied Tetch.

"What are you, my mother?" demanded Joker.

"I'm your mentor," said Tetch. "Who is ten times more demanding than any mother. Now let's try meditating some more."

"See if you can best your previous record of sitting still for two minutes," snorted Nygma, sarcastically.

"You two are not helping!" snapped Joker. "This learning patience and having a serious mind is really difficult for a guy like me, all right? I'd rather swing from a buncha vines or jump over logs or balance on a beam…"

"It is important for a Jedi to be physically capable," agreed Tetch. "But harnessing the Force requires that you learn to control your mind as well as your body. And you are not in control of your mind."

"Nope, that's why they call me crazy!" chuckled Joker.

"Let's do some meditating again," said Tetch, indicating that he sit down. "Just stare at this grass and focus. Concentrate. Clear your mind of questions, and feel the Force flow through you."

Joker sighed, but obeyed, taking a seat on the ground and staring down at it. For a few moments, there was silence. And then Joker began whistling.

"Meditate in silence," snapped Tetch.

"Right, yeah, forgot – I'll try not to distract myself when I get bored," muttered Joker.

"You're not here to distract yourself – you're here to concentrate," repeated Tetch. "Again."

Joker sat in silence for a few minutes. Then he said, "Anyone wanna hear a joke?"

Crane groaned, burying his face in his hands. "This is hopeless! The universe is doomed! This clown will never learn patience or concentration!"

"Look, there's gotta be something else you can teach me besides this," said Joker.

"A Jedi must have a serious, focused mind..." began Tetch.

"Then you picked the wrong guy!" interrupted Joker. "So let's try something else! Tell me about the Force."

Tetch sighed. "A Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware the Dark Side – fear, aggression, hate, these lead you down the dark path. And once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny."

"Is that what happened to my brother?" asked Joker.

Tetch nodded. "The Dark Side often hides itself in the clothing of the righteous. And the Super-Emperor promised Darth Batman peace and justice. Noble goals, but the ways in which they achieved them have been very dark indeed."

"Sow how do you know the good side from the bad?" asked Joker.

"You will know," replied Tetch. "You will feel it, if you concentrate, and use the Force as your ally. And a powerful ally it is. Life creates it, makes it grow. Its energy surrounds us, and binds us. Luminous beings are we, not this crude matter. You must feel the Force around you, and use it for knowledge and defense, never for attack."

Joker rolled his eyes. "Buncha nerd loser pacifists…" he muttered under his breath.

"I heard that," snapped Tetch. "Now lift these rocks with the Force again."

"Well, I'll give it a try," said Joker, raising his hand.

"No," retorted Tetch. "Try not. Do, or do not. There is no try."

"That's a pretty crummy philosophy," muttered Joker. "No A for effort with these Jedi nerds, huh?"

"He's gonna fail," whispered Nygma under his breath to Crane.

"Any bets on how long it'll take?" asked Crane.

"I'm betting less than thirty seconds," said Nygma.

He was right. Within twenty seconds, Joker's eyes suddenly snapped open, and he dropped the rock which had been floating through the air. "Harley," he gasped.

"What about Harley?" demanded Crane.

"I saw her…she was in pain," stammered Joker. "She was being tortured by…Darth Batman."

Tetch, Crane, and Nygma all shared a look. "It is the future you see," said Tetch, slowly.

"Well, it's a future I'm gonna stop from happening," said Joker. "I'm flying back to Cloud City to get her right now…"

"No, you are not!" interrupted Tetch, firmly. "You must complete your training!"

"It's a trap," said Crane. "Set up by the Super-Emperor to lure you to him. You must not go. You'll never be able to defeat him and Darth Batman…"

"I have to try," retorted Joker. "I can't just leave her…"

"The fate of the galaxy rests on your shoulders and you would sacrifice it to save the life of one woman?" demanded Nygma.

Joker glared at him. "Is she gonna die if I don't save her?" he demanded.

Tetch shook his head. "I cannot see what will happen to her. But you can't go. This is a very dangerous time for you – you will be tempted by the Dark Side of the Force. It is seductive…"

"So is my girlfriend!" snapped Joker. "And I'm not about to lose her!"

"It is you and your abilities the Super-Emperor wants," said Crane. "That is why Harley is made to suffer."

"And that's why I have to go rescue her," said Joker.

"You must complete your training first," insisted Tetch. "Now have some tea…"

"I hate tea!" interrupted Joker, smashing the cup on the ground. "And I am so bored surrounded by you three nerds and your nerd training! And I'm not just gonna sit around here staring at grass and moving rocks while Harley is in danger, and I have the power to save her!"

"Only a fully trained Jedi Knight with the Force as his ally will conquer Darth Batman and his Emperor," said Nygma. "If you end your training now, if you choose the quick and easy path, as Darth Batman did, you will become an agent of evil."

"Look, pal, I'm the Joker," snapped Joker. "I ain't an agent of no one or nothing. I'm not controlled by anything, including this Force. This was a bad idea from the beginning. I should have followed my instincts and trusted in myself. I can defeat Darth Batman without the Force or your fancy training."

"How?" demanded Crane.

"I'm gonna talk to my brother," retorted Joker. "And make him see the crazy side, which is better than both the light and the dark side. So sayonara, suckers! I'm outta here!"

Tetch, Crane, and Nygma watched Joker climb into his ship. "We could stop him, of course," sighed Crane. "But what good would it do? We can't use the Force to force him to train, ironically."

"Are you sure he's our last hope?" asked Nygma.

"Yes," sighed Tetch. "We're placing the fate of the universe in the hands of a madman."

He sighed, turning away as the ship blasted off into space. "Let's just hope it's crazy enough to work."


	15. Chapter 15

"Let's just hope this is crazy enough to work," muttered Ivy, glaring at Two-Face as he piloted the freight shuttle he had borrowed from Cloud City toward the Bat Star.

"Nobody else had a better idea," retorted Two-Face. "And since I own and operate a mining facility, I know a few things about bureaucracy. The most important being that no arm of it knows what the other arms are doing. And no space station as huge and complicated as the Bat Star can be run without the help of bureaucracy. If I can BS my way through the security check procedure here, we're home free. And I'm pretty good at BS when it comes to bureaucracy."

"And when it comes to your relationships," muttered Selina.

"Will you stop being jealous?" demanded Ivy. "It wasn't BS of Harvey to say he found me more attractive than you!"

"It sure was," retorted Selina. "Because it's objectively ridiculous."

"Ladies, please, this might all go horribly wrong and we'll be blown to smithereens," growled Two-Face. "I would rather not spend the last few minutes of my life listening to you two arguing."

"Bat Star to Shuttle Tydirium, please state your cargo," came a voice over the radio at that moment.

Two-Face drew a deep breath. "Shuttle Tydirium to Bat Star, requesting permission to dock. Transporting cargo of food supplies for the cafeteria."

There was silence on the radio for a moment. "Bat Star to Shuttle Tydirium, we've received no order requesting food supplies."

"Shuttle Tydirium to Bat Star, I've got the order sitting right in front of me," snapped Two-Face. "Your boys in catering must not have forwarded it. Check your messages for confirmation number 2222."

There was silence again. "Bat Star to Shuttle Tydirium, we cannot locate that order."

"All right, well, I'll just turn this ship around and you can explain to your crew why there's no food when they turn up for lunch, how's that?" snapped Two-Face. "I'm sure the thousands of employees who man that place are really gonna be pleased."

The radio went silent, and everyone on the shuttle held their breath. Then the voice spoke. "Bat Star to Shuttle Tydirium, permission to dock granted. Head for Bay 1977."

"Thank you," growled Two-Face, turning off the radio. He let out a sigh of relief. "So far, so good."

They landed in the docking bay, and Two-Face lowered the landing ramp. "Let me handle this," he muttered, stepping out to speak to the employee who met them.

"We're sending some of the kitchen workers to help with the unload," he said.

"No need," replied Two-Face. "The guys I've brought should be fine. Just tell us where the kitchen is and we'll start unloading."

"This is a huge station, and directions are pretty impossible," said the employee. "My guys will guide you there."

Two-Face sighed. "All right, we'll do it the hard way," he muttered.

He ripped out his blaster and shot the employee in the face. "Ivy, Selina, c'mon!" he shouted. "We're getting outta here before the others come!"

They hurried across the docking bay toward the control room. A few, well-aimed shots took out the men inside, and then Two-Face punched some buttons on the computer. "Harley's being held in detention block AA-23, cell 2187," he muttered.

"So what's the plan?" asked Ivy. "Just charge in?"

"I came up with the landing plan," retorted Two-Face. "You two can come up with the actual rescue plan."

"Wait, what's that?" asked Selina, pointing to a beeping dot on the screen. Two-Face pressed some more buttons, and a very familiar ship appeared.

"J!" he hissed. "He's gonna get my ship blasted into a thousand pieces – he's headed straight here!"

They all watched with baited breath as the Clown Prince of Crime flew closer and closer to the Bat Star…but no shot came from the station.

"They want him to land," growled Two-Face. "They want him to come rescue her…she's the bait."

"Hail his ship!" snapped Selina. "Warn him it's a trap!"

Two-Face slammed on the communicator. "J, this is Harvey. We're on the Bat Star trying to rescue Harley. You stay away – this is a trap for you."

"I know," retorted Joker's voice over the radio. "Don't worry, Harvey, I'm prepared. Got a plan."

"So you completed your training that quickly, huh?" asked Ivy.

"Nope, Plant Lady!" chuckled Joker. "I've got a better plan than that! I'm gonna talk to my brother!"

They were silent. "And…what good do you think that's gonna do?" asked Two-Face, slowly.

"Well, c'mon, I'm a charming and persuasive guy," said Joker. "And if he's my brother, Darth Batman can't be totally unreasonable, right?"

They all three shared looks. "J, you should really stay away and let us handle this," said Two-Face.

"And miss out on all the fun?" chuckled Joker. "Not on your life, Harvey! But tell you what – I'll let you tag along if you wanna. I'll meet you in the cell block."

"Harley's cell is…" began Two-Face.

"2187, block AA-23," finished Joker. "I know. I got this Force connection to her – I could see the numbers. Now I gotta go before that future torture of her I saw in a Force vision becomes a reality. See you soon! Toodles!"

"How are we ever going to get to the cell block unseen?" demanded Ivy.

"We need some kinda distraction," muttered Two-Face, looking around. "Ideas?"

"I got one," said Selina quietly, her claws circling a box that read _In Case of Emergency, Break Glass_. She scratched a circle around the glass and then removed it, her finger poised over the emergency button.


	16. Chapter 16

"Let me outta here! Let me out!" shrieked Harley, banging futilely against the metal door in her windowless cell on the Bat Star. She knew ordering the guards to release her was probably useless, but shouting at them was better than just sitting in her cell doing nothing. At least it distracted her from the terror at the thought of her imminent torture.

Suddenly, an alarm blared through the station. "Emergency systems activated – evacuate station," said a calm, robotic voice over the loudspeakers.

"Is this a drill?" Harley heard one of the guards ask outside her door.

"If it is, nobody told us," muttered the other. "We should evacuate."

"Should we take the prisoner with us?" asked the first guard. "Or should we wait for orders from Darth Batman?"

"He says you're to evacuate life. Permanently," said a familiar voice, and Harley heard the sound of blaster bolts.

"What kinda dumb retort was that, J?" demanded another familiar voice.

"It was a perfectly good retort, Weed Lady!" snapped the voice.

"No, it really didn't make a lot of sense," agreed Two-Face.

"Yeah, evacuate life? What does that even mean?" asked Selina.

"Mr J!" cried Harley, banging on the door. "Red! Selina! Harvey! I'm in here!"

The door was blasted off its hinges. Harley coughed on the smoke, but let out a cry of joy once it cleared. "Mr. J!" she shrieked, leaping into his arms. "You found me!"

"Hiya, kiddo!" he chuckled, embracing her. "Somebody here call for a rescue?"

She beamed, kissing him passionately. "Harley, that's really no way for a princess to behave," snapped Ivy.

"Yeah, and we don't have a lotta time for mushy stuff," said Two-Face, looking around. "We gotta get outta here before they realize there's no emergency to evacuate from."

They headed quickly toward the docking bay where Joker had parked the Clown Prince of Crime. "It's just through this door…" began Joker. He turned to look at the open door and his face fell in a frown. "Well, darn."

Darth Batman stood there, surrounded by a small army of stormtroopers. "Hey, haven't you guys heard the alarm?" asked Joker, gesturing around. "Evacuation, right? Hop to it!"

"Seize them all and follow me," ordered Darth Batman, turning around and heading for the opposite door.

"Well, somebody's gonna regret they ignored that alarm when there's a real emergency going on!" snapped Joker as they were all dragged after him, guns pointed at them. "Even a drill should be taken seriously, y'know, folks!"

"Great," muttered Two-Face. "Just great, J. Now we're all gonna be killed by the Super-Emperor instead of just you!"

"Yeah, it was really, really stupid to join up with you in the first place, J," agreed Ivy. "If you had just left me and Selina and Harley back on Tatooine in Penguin's Palace, none of us would be in this mess!"

"I had a good gig there," said Selina, nodding. "Could have been head dancing girl in two to three years."

Harley said nothing, but slid her hand into Joker's. "I'm glad I'm with you, Mr. J," she whispered, smiling at him. "Even if it's all over…I wouldn't have traded it for the galaxy."

He smiled as they were herded into the elevator, and kissed her.

The doors opened to reveal a room shrouded in darkness with an elevated throne illuminated by the light of the stars through the viewport. They were shoved inside and then Darth Batman said, "Leave us."

The stormtroopers hurried out and the elevator door shut. Darth Batman approached the throne, kneeling down in front of it. "I have brought the clown, my master."

The throne was enshrouded in darkness, but suddenly the darkness moved as a figure in a black robe stood up. "Yes, I know," he muttered. "I had foreseen that you would. What I had not foreseen was the presence of these others."

"I will remove and destroy them, if you so wish, my master," said Darth Batman, standing up and unsheathing his lightsaber.

"No," said the Super-Emperor, slowly. "No, let them stay and watch. I want them to see what happens to those who oppose the will of the Justice Empire."

"Actually, I think you'll find I haven't really done that," said Joker. "All I was trying to do was collect a reward for returning the kidnapped Twi'lek princess to her homeworld…"

"You were in the company of one Jonathan Crane, Jedi Knight and traitor to the Justice Empire," interrupted the Super-Emperor. "Associating with enemies of the Justice Empire is a criminal act."

"He's not my associate – I barely knew the guy!" protested Joker. "But he needed a lift and I helped him out because he was gonna pay me! I'm freelance - that's what I do!"

The Super-Emperor shook his head. "The last time I saw you was at the Ace Chemical pits in Tatooine where we threw you into the acid. We thought that had killed you. We were disappointed when it did not, when you reappeared as this Joker, but we did not worry since you seemed not to remember you were the son of Wayne, or who your brother was. We have been monitoring you for a long time, but as long as you didn't know who you were, you were of no threat to us."

"Well, blame Batsy – he's the one who told me I was his brother!" snapped Joker.

"Your brother saw reason," murmured the Super-Emperor. "When we came to him and explained what we wanted to do for the galaxy, how we wanted to implement justice and order throughout the universe, he saw the sense in our vision and joined us. You did not. You said it was madness."

"Can't say I was wrong," replied Joker, nodding. "Or is building a giant space station with bat wings and the ability to destroy a planet the action of a sane person?"

"Madness implies a futility to our actions – as you can see, they were not in vain," continued the Super-Emperor, ignoring him. "We now have complete control over the galaxy."

"The more you tighten your grip, pal, the more star systems slip through your fingers," spoke up Harley, glaring at the Super-Emperor.

"Harley, shut up!" hissed Ivy, but it was too late. The Super-Emperor approached her, a cold smile on his lips.

"Your highness," he said, reaching out a hand to touch her chin. "I can see why you were such a loss to your homeworld. Brave as well as beautiful. I can also see what the clown sees in you…"

"Don't touch her!" snapped Joker, unsheathing his lightsaber and racing forward. Darth Batman blocked him with his own lightsaber, and they met with a sizzle in front of the Super-Emperor, who looked on in amusement.

"Good," he murmured, releasing Harley's chin. "Give in to your hate."

"Believe me, buddy, I did that a long time ago!" snapped Joker. "I ain't controlled by any side of the Force, not yours or the nerds! I'm on my own side, the Fun Side!"

The Super-Emperor smiled. "Without the Dark or the Light side of the Force as your ally, you will fail."

"No offense, but I prefer my allies to be more of the flesh and blood kind," retorted Joker.

"What, this miserable, ragtag band of whores and vipers?" asked the Super-Emperor, gesturing to Two-Face, Selina, Ivy, and Harley. "They are insignificant next to the power of the Force."

"God, you must be a riot at parties!" sighed Joker.

"I grow tired of your babbling, clown," said the Super-Emperor. "So I will make this very simple. Pledge your loyalty to me and serve the Justice Empire, or die slowly, followed by your friends."

Joker shook his head. "Do you believe this guy?" he asked Darth Batman, nodding at the Super-Emperor. "Guess he ain't learned what always happens to power-hungry dictators, huh? Gee, that joke's so old, you think people would stop trying it!"

"This isn't a joke, clown," growled Darth Batman.

"It sure is," said Joker. "Everything is, Brucie! You must have got that once. Any brother of mine's gotta have a sense of humor!"

Darth Batman just glared coldly at him. "Or…not," said Joker, slowly. "C'mon, Brucie, I know you're still in there! Crane said you were a good man before you went all batty – think of Mom and Dad! Would they have wanted you to turn out like this?"

"Mom and Dad were murdered by criminal scum in an alley," muttered Darth Batman. "Criminal scum like you. Criminal scum that the Super-Emperor is going to eradicate forever."

"Oooh…awkward," muttered Joker. "Thanks for telling me that, Johnny…"

"It is useless to resist, clown," said the Super-Emperor. "You, like your brother, are now mine."

"I don't belong to anyone, pal!" snapped Joker. "You do your worst!"

The Super-Emperor nodded. "So be it, clown," he murmured, his eyes reddening.


	17. Chapter 17

"You will pay the price for your lack of vision," murmured the Super-Emperor, fixing his burning, red eyes on the Joker.

"Speaking of vision, what the hell is wrong with your eyes…" began Joker, but he was cut off as a laser blast shot from the Super-Emperor's eyes. He barely had time to raise his lightsaber to deflect it.

"Holy crap…" he began, but the Super-Emperor shot at him again.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, breaking away from the group and racing toward him.

"Harley, stop!" cried Ivy, racing after her. "He's not worth getting yourself killed for! No man is!"

Darth Batman raised a hand, sending both Harley and Ivy flying into the wall. Then he unsheathed his lightsaber and attacked Joker, who had a hard time fending off both attacks at once.

Two-Face reached into his pocket and flipped his coin, then sighed when it landed good side up. "All right, let's do this," he muttered, pulling out both his blasters and firing at Darth Batman, who turned to deflect the shots.

"Don't actually hit him – he's hot!" exclaimed Selina.

"He's trying to kill us!" shouted Two-Face.

"Maybe that's got something to do with it…" began Selina, but Darth Batman reached out a hand and lifted them both off their feet, choking them by drawing his fingers together slightly.

"Still…hot!" gasped Selina.

"There's something…wrong with you!" hissed Two-Face.

Darth Batman released them suddenly, throwing them into the wall next to Harley and Ivy, and then resuming his attack on Joker.

"Mr. J…" gasped Harley, struggling to her feet and limping over to him.

Darth Batman knocked the lightsaber from Joker's hand suddenly, and used the Force to pull it into his. "Take the girl," said the Super-Emperor. "Make her watch."

Darth Batman nodded, grabbing Harley and holding both lightsabers against her throat as the Super-Emperor approached the Joker. Without a word, he shot a laser blast from his eyes straight at him, hitting him full in the chest. Joker fell to the ground, winded, and the Super-Emperor shot at him again and again. Smoke began rising off Joker as he hissed in pain, and the Super-Emperor kept beating him down, clearly enjoying the slow torture and demise of the clown.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, tears trailing down her cheeks as she gazed in horror at the torture. "No! No, stop it! Stop it! Please, stop!" she sobbed.

Darth Batman looked at her, at the pain in her eyes…and was suddenly transported back to being an eight-year-old boy, standing in an alley watching his parents being gunned down and powerless to stop the people he loved from being murdered. Harley's pain had been reflected in his own eyes then as he begged and pleaded for it not to be true. As he was forced to watch the people he loved die…and suddenly it all hit home to him. What he had done, all the horror he had committed for the Justice Empire, now seemed very real to him. He couldn't inflict that pain on anyone else anymore, not for any price.

"Master, stop it," he whispered.

The Super-Emperor didn't hear him, or chose to ignore him, wrapped up as he was in torturing the Joker.

"Stop it!" repeated Darth Batman, releasing Harley and throwing himself protectively in front of Joker, raising the lightsabers to ward off the laser blasts.

The Super-Emperor stared at him in shock, which quickly turned to rage. "How dare you defy me?!" he demanded.

"This is wrong," hissed Darth Batman. "Total order is not worth the murder of innocents!"

"Innocent?!" repeated the Super-Emperor. "This man is not an innocent! He's criminal scum, like the man who killed your parents!"

Darth Batman turned to look at Joker. "He's my brother," he murmured. "And he is loved. I won't let you kill him."

"Then you will die with him!" shouted the Super-Emperor, shooting a blast from his eyes at Darth Batman. He blocked it with his lightsaber, tossing Joker's back at him. Joker struggled to his feet and joined Darth Batman in the attack on the Super-Emperor.

"The reactor shaft!" shouted Joker, nodding at the steep drop behind the Super-Emperor.

"What about it?" asked Darth Batman.

"Do I gotta spell it out for ya?" demanded Joker. "Jesus, I'm clearly the brains of the family!"

He took a deep breath, glancing upward. "All right, here goes nothing – use the Force, Joker!" he shouted, jumping up and kicking the Super-Emperor full in the chest, sending him hurtling backward into the reactor shaft.

"…he can't fly, can he?" asked Joker, suddenly.

"He can, but he won't be able to resist the pull of the energy in the shaft!" shouted Darth Batman, racing toward the door. "When he hits the reactor, this whole place is gonna blow!"

"Kinda a good joke, really – when you decide not to kill innocents anymore by destroying the source of the evil that's corrupted your mind, you actually kill a whole buncha innocent workers on this space station…" began Joker.

"Anybody ever tell you that for a clown, you're not very funny?" hissed Darth Batman.

"You some sorta comedy expert?" demanded Joker. "Because your costume would suggest otherwise."

"What's that supposed to mean?" asked Darth Batman.

"God, you can tell they're brothers," muttered Ivy as they raced onto the Clown Prince of Crime. "That's all siblings do is fight."

"Get us outta here, J, and hurry!" snapped Two-Face, as parts of the Bat Star began to explode.

"Gee, thanks for that, Captain Obvious," retorted Joker. "You wanna say you got a bad feeling about this too, because that's a classic line the folks at home will enjoy hearing!"

"What are you talking about?" demanded Darth Batman.

"He always babbles like that," said Selina. "Just try to ignore it, Darth Batman. Can I call you Batsy?"

Joker blasted the Clown Prince of Crime out of the Bat Star, and an instant later, it exploded in a ball of fire. Everyone on the ship let out a sigh of relief.

"I dunno about you guys, but the moment we land back on Cloud City, I'm gonna need a stiff drink," said Joker. "How about a round for everyone, huh, Harv?"

"If you're paying," retorted Two-Face.

"What? You're not even gonna give the heroes who just saved the galaxy from the grip of the Justice Empire free drinks?" demanded Joker. "It's not like I'm asking for a medal and a victory ceremony!"

Two-Face flipped his coin. "Coin says no," he muttered.

Joker shook his head. "Save the universe, and everyone still treats you like crap," he muttered. "I tell ya, this hero stuff is overrated."


	18. Chapter 18

The Joker may not have gotten his free drink, but he did get his medal and victory ceremony a few weeks later, when he returned Harley to her homeworld. Princess Harleen Quinzel was reunited with tears of joy from her parents and her subjects, and a feast was given in honor of her return, where the heroes of the galaxy were shown the gratitude they deserved.

It was all right for some of them, thought Joker as he sipped his drink, watching Two-Face and Poison Ivy embellish the story of the destruction of the Bat Star for the audience. Normally he would've been in there, wowing the crowd, the center of attention, but he was distracted tonight.

His eyes flicked over to Harley, dressed in the finery befitting a princess and staring down glumly at her plate. She raised her eyes to his and they just looked at each other.

"J, you deaf?" demanded a voice.

"What?" he snapped, whirling around.

"I was asking you if you've seen your brother," snapped Ivy. "I promised the crowd he'd do some lightsaber tricks."

"Think he's off doing some lightsaber tricks with your cat pal, if you know what I mean," retorted Joker. "Those two snuck outta here together about twenty minutes ago."

Ivy sighed heavily. "Fine, I'll just tell some more stories. But you gotta tell Bruce that if he wants to make good on this whole redemption thing, he needs to be more of a people person. The only way people come to embrace a former sinner is if he's popular."

"I'm sure you'd know all about embracing former sinners, Weed Lady, judging by how things are going between you and Harvey," agreed Joker.

"Hey, he may have betrayed us, but he's proved himself!" snapped Ivy. "And he's a better choice than your brother, or you!"

"No arguments here," agreed Joker, glancing at Harley, who was staring down at her plate again, tears in her eyes. "But there are plenty of fish in the sea, and plenty of people in the galaxy. No reason why you should get stuck on one of 'em."

"I did try to warn both of you not to get attached," reminded Ivy. "But you wouldn't listen. Guess I was right, though. She's a princess, and you're still some nobody from nowhere working dangerous jobs for a living. There was no chance of it ever working out."

"If you're just gonna do the whole 'I told you so' bit, get back to your audience," muttered Joker, knocking back his drink. "I've heard that one before."

Ivy shook her head, heading back to her group of listeners as Joker continued to stare at Harley. She whispered something in her mother's ear suddenly and stood up, heading for the door to the balcony and glancing back at Joker. He waited a few moments and then followed her out into the cool night air.

Harley's homeworld was a lush, green planet, with gardens and tropical flowers and plants everywhere, climbing up the walls of the palace and perfuming the air. The full moon beamed down on Harley standing by the railing, her pale gown shimmering in the light.

"Your highness," said Joker, bowing to her.

"Please don't call me that," she whispered. "Not after all we've been through together."

He shrugged. "Think maybe you gotta get used to hearing it. And I gotta get used to the idea that…that's who you are. Your highness. High above me and far outta my league."

Harley bit her lip. "You don't have to be," she whispered. "You could…stay, y'know. You'd be welcome here. My family is so grateful to you for returning me…you've already got more money than you could ever need. My parents could give you a title and lands and make you a nobleman, someone of equal rank to me…"

"I can't stay, kid," interrupted Joker. "You know that. It ain't about the money. This kinda life ain't for me, with the rules and the formality. I gotta be out among the stars, free and unattached. Only…I'm having trouble with that last part," he murmured, staring at her.

"Me too," she whispered. "I don't know what I'm gonna do when you leave."

"Well, you'd better figure it out soon," he said with a smile. "I'm outta here tomorrow morning. The peanut gallery will probably stay a while yet – Ivy will wanna milk her audience some more before she heads back to Cloud City with Harvey. And Bruce and Selina will probably stick around too. It's not like they've got anywhere else to go. So you'll have friends here. You won't just be suddenly alone in your strange, new life…"

"It does seem strange," she agreed. "I don't remember if I ever felt comfortable as a princess, but I don't now. That's not who I feel I am inside. I'm Harley Quinn. I traveled across the galaxy with a wonderful man, a man who saved the galaxy, and…who saved me. I don't think my life here can ever possibly compare with all the adventures and escapes I had with him. And I don't think I'll ever feel just how incredible he made me feel again."

"Well…I'll visit, how's that?" he asked. "I'll come back to see you whenever I'm on this side of the galaxy. Should be plenty of business for a guy like me around here, huh?"

She nodded. "I guess," she whispered, wiping her eyes. "So…what will you do now?"

He shrugged. "Who knows? Roam the galaxy, look for the occasional job, just to keep things interesting. I should probably go back to Dagobah and rub my victory in the nerds' faces. Imagining their expressions when they hear the news is priceless!" he chuckled. "And maybe I'll make 'em show me how to make a new lightsaber. Green ain't really my color. Think I'll go with purple."

She smiled. "Well…say hi to Johnny for me."

"I will. He'll be glad to hear you got home safe," said Joker.

Harley nodded slowly. "Yeah. I'd be glad of that too," she murmured.

He felt he should say more, but didn't really know what else he could say. "Well…see you around, your highness," he said, reaching for her hand and raising it to his lips.

She pulled it away, and then pressed her lips to his in a tender kiss. "I love you, Mr. J," she whispered.

"I know," he whispered. "And I'm sorry, kid. I really am," he murmured, stroking a lock of hair back from her cheek. His hand rested on her face for a moment, and then he turned and walked away, leaving her on the balcony, gazing after him with tears in her eyes.

"Are you insane?" demanded a voice when he re-entered the palace.

"Jesus, Johnny, you nearly gave me a heart attack!" shouted Joker, glaring at the Force ghost who stood facing him, arms folded across his chest. "And stop spying on me and Harley, huh? I think you might have a problem!"

"You're just going to leave her?" demanded Crane, ignoring him. "You can search the universe and you'll never find anyone more precious – believe me, as a Force ghost, I can do that! She's unique, and beautiful, and perfect, and you're just going to give her up?! And for what?! Some stupid idea that some adventure out there could be better than her?! I'm an incorporeal being sent from the afterlife, and trust me, it isn't true!"

"I know what I'm doing," muttered Joker.

"No, you don't!" snapped Crane. "You're being a complete idiot! And it's not just me who thinks that!"

"It's true," said Nygma, appearing suddenly. "The probability of finding another woman like Harley in the vast universe is infinitesimally small, so small that it's practically non-existent."

"Look, I'm not listening to you two nerds after you doubted my ability to defeat the Super-Emperor!" snapped Joker. "So just get lost and stop giving me advice, huh? You're terrible at it!"

"Joker, it would be unwise to leave her," murmured Tetch's voice in his head.

"Oh, you're here too?" demanded Joker, rapping on his skull. "Get outta my mind, would ya?"

"Not until you see reason," retorted Tetch.

"I'm not in the habit of doing that!" snapped Joker. "So just drop it! Jesus, you'd think the hero of the universe could make his own decisions without criticism from a bunch of Jedi nerds! Now get outta my head and stop spying on me!"

"Who are you talking to?" asked Darth Batman, entering the room and heading over to the drinks table to see Joker shouting at the wall.

"What, you can't see them, with your Force ability?" demanded Joker.

"See who?" asked Darth Batman, puzzled.

Joker looked around. "Well, they're gone now, but they were just here!" he snapped. "Buncha pushy Force ghosts! Some people can't stop giving orders even after they're dead!"

"O…K," said Darth Batman, slowly. "Selina said there was reason to doubt your sanity…"

"She's one to talk, hooking up with you," muttered Joker.

Darth Batman shrugged, taking two drinks, and putting a straw in one so he could drink it through his mask. "You don't think even a former bad guy deserves love?"

"I don't think anybody deserves anything," retorted Joker.

"Why are you in such a bad mood at your own victory feast?" asked Darth Batman.

"Because people keep ordering me around, and telling me what to do, and I've had enough! I saved the galaxy, and I make my own decisions! And because…because I really don't wanna leave her," he murmured, staring at Harley who re-entered the room, wiping tears from her eyes. "But I gotta."

Darth Batman said nothing. "Y'know, I spent a lotta years taking orders from a guy, doing some horrible things because he told me to, and because I felt I had to," he said, quietly. "But I didn't have to. If I had realized that sooner, a lot of innocent lives would have been saved. I didn't realize I was free to make my own choices. But I was."

He lay a hand on his brother's shoulder. "You've restored freedom to the galaxy, J. Be sure to take some for yourself. Just some friendly advice from your little brother."

He headed off, and Joker snorted. "Believe me, Bruce, the day I take advice from a guy who dresses in a full-body bat costume will be a warm day on Hoth."


	19. Chapter 19

The Joker flew the Clown Prince of Crime out of the atmosphere of Harley's homeworld the next morning and into the cold reaches of space. He watched the planet get farther and farther away in the viewport, his heart sinking with each passing second. He wasn't smiling – he didn't feel like doing that, which was a rare occurrence for him.

"What am I, crazy or something?" he demanded suddenly, slamming his fist on the brake and sending the ship crashing to a halt. Then he turned it around and sent it hurtling back toward the planet.

Suddenly he heard a bump, and a muffled "Ow."

He stood up, pulling out his blaster, and then reached down to open one of the smuggling hatches in the floor, aiming the blaster inside and preparing to fire it. Harley looked up at him, dressed in her normal clothes, and rubbing her forehead. He grinned.

"Got a little stowaway, huh?" he chuckled, holstering the gun and offering her his hand.

"Why did you brake suddenly?" she demanded. "And why are we heading back toward my planet?" she asked, looking out the viewport.

"Well, I thought…I'd forgot something…kinda important," he said, slowly. "Left my…toothbrush there, so I was heading back to pick it up…"

She looked at him, and smiled. "You were coming back to get me, weren't you?"

"…maybe," agreed Joker, slowly.

"What was your plan? Single-handedly storm the palace and kidnap me again?" she asked, grinning.

"Didn't know I needed a plan," he replied. "I don't usually have one, in case you haven't noticed, and things tend to work out anyway. Besides, it wouldn't have been a kidnapping. Would it?"

"I'm sure my parents would have seen it that way," replied Harley, nodding. "But I left a letter for them in my room explaining things. I said I was sorry to disappoint them, but I just couldn't resign myself to a life where I'd be totally miserable all the time. I'm sure they'd want me to be happy."

"But who's gonna be the heir to the throne then?" asked Joker.

She shrugged. "Inherited monarchy's kinda an outdated concept anyway – I suggested they maybe try establishing an elected democracy. We can visit again sometime and see how that goes. Maybe your brother will get so popular that they'll vote him for president."

"That'd probably be a bad idea – I've seen the stuff he does when he gets a little power," said Joker. "It'll be Bat-houses and Bat-planes and a Bat-car in every garage."

"Beats a Bat-space station that can destroy planets," said Harley.

"Give him time," replied Joker. "And I'm sure he'll build a second Bat Star. You know, madness is trying the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. And madness kinda runs in my family."

"Well, I'm sure if he does, you'll be around to save the universe again," said Harley.

"The universe needs to learn to handle its own problems and not depend on me," retorted Joker. "I got my own life to focus on now. Especially now that I got someone else to share it with."

She beamed and kissed him. "C'mon, let's turn this ship around and head for someplace where we can have some real fun," she said, taking a seat in the co-pilot's chair.

"You got it, toots," he said, reversing the ship's course again and heading out into space. "Dagobah first, I think, so I can get my purple lightsaber. Though the nerds will probably object to that since it ain't a traditional color."

"I'll hold 'em, and you punch," replied Harley, grinning.

Joker laughed. "Ah, I love ya, kid," he chuckled.

She smiled. "I know," she said.

 **The End**


End file.
